From what I can tell, I've gone downhill mentally for the last 5 years and have  previously managed to get myself out of dark places, until very recently, when several factors combined to really stop me in my tracks. 

I should point out that I have never wanted to harm myself or to kill myself, not once did these seem like viable options for me. Rather, i suffered from lethargy and apathy. I really, really struggled to get out of bed, to engage with my children properly (I always looked after their well being, every single shred of my motivation was used to further my career and to try to keep going. Having depression doesn't mean you always try to throw yourself off a bridge every chance or jump in front of traffic. It has other forms of depleting you and making life feel like one big chore. 

I have felt for a very long time that life was just one very hard slog, almost like moving through knee deep water. It just seemed too hard to be possible to be happy. I really struggled to motivate myself to do anything on the weekends and always took shortcuts where I shouldn't have (dumping kids in front of TV for example). For me I felt frustrated and angry and just annoyed generally with the state of my immediate world and that of the world in a broad context. I found myself getting angry at things I can't control and annoyed that no one else cared for it either.

I am currently on a very low level dose of anti-depressant and am engaging a physiologist for assistance. These have teamed to help me to understand that the way I think and the severity of my own personal monologue (or voice in my head) is not normal and is rather destructive. While i try very hard to nurture and to assist other people who are learning or need assistance, I would be ruthless on my own efforts at life and where i would tell a colleague or child to keep trying and watch their progress as they improve, if I made the same errors I would be brutal in my own mind, telling myself I was not worth the time and bother that I was putting into the activity. 

I guess I wanted to put this out there, to let other people know that even though everything looks perfect in my life on paper, sometimes it isn't that easy. If anyone else suffers through these types of things, please feel free to comment here, tell us your story and try to help change attitudes that depression is somehow your failing and you are at fault. Sometimes things just happen and we don't deal with them in the best of ways. 

Of course, if you prefer, you can DM me here (i'm not a counselor or anything, I work in IT, but I can listen and don't judge) sometimes people just need a friendly ear.

should be called Fark Up Your Brain drugs!

These are the most evil insidious things on earth that will infiltrate demotivate and destroy future generations in what has been a great country.

They've progressed from pot to lsd to heroin to speed to coke to ecs to ice to flakka...

All cause a spike in a variety of up to ten or eleven brain neurotransmitters aka endorphins and leave the user dead in the water. The nice spike can last hours or only a few minutes.

By chasing after the original hit - hit after hit -

a) families get screwed up

b) money goes to the drug lords and down the chain of command

c) chromosomes get affected in offspring

Do you know people who've just 'lost it' on drugs? Alcohol is not illicit but yeah, it's a sleeper...

"If you are suffering from a terminal [illness], if your child has drug-resistant epilepsy suffering from life threatening fits, then you should have available to you through medical advice and appropriate channels, medicinal cannabis."

AFAIK the terminal illness use is for pain relief and they've mentioned epilepsy. Are there any other conditions that cannabis is useful to treat? (backed up by a study of course!)

I refused therapy then because after testing, she demonstrated a severe shortage of serotonin, dopamine and noradrenalin.

It all happened after she'd shot up with a bad batch of smack in December. The voice she's been hearing is that of her dealer. Now, the dealer is accusing her of following him. Apparently he shoots up too.

She takes her psychotropic drugs ad hoc. The precursors that she received from me are being taken ad hoc as well (says an informant).

Looks like she'll be refused therapy again! The voices win.

Yesterday I listened to a conversation with Dr Mark Cross from Liverpool Hospital's mental health ward. Listen here.

The conversation touched on the show Changing Minds that was on the ABC and its a behind the scenes show at Liverpool Hospital's mental health ward.

It really is brilliant viewing and I'm only one episode down so far. I feel so much empathy and sympathy for the patients (particularly Sandra, she is breaking my heart.)

I'd love some people to chat about this with if you guys want to watch also.

http://iview.abc.net.au/programs/changing-minds-the-inside-story/DO1340H001S00

God I am so grateful for the ABC and their iView and mobile apps. So fantastic.

http://m.medicalxpress.com/news/2016-03-depression-mental-disorderit-affects-body.html

Very cool little video with some meditation basics.

Such tests (as used in the admissions process of the armed services) need to carry good reliability and also validity so that applicants cannot 'trick' the inventory.

Thoughts?

Perhaps because you know a bunch of people who claim to have issues but you don't agree?

I find it interesting that we, as a society, put more emphasis on getting over the flu than dealing with any mental health problem.

Thoughts?

I've spent the past day with lots of things swirling in my head about this.

I think the big one is that irrespective of what you think a person is going through, it is rarely black and white.

"Self inflicted asphyxiation" was the reported cause. He had 3 kids. He was the funny man and it seems that the funnier a person is, the more they have been cut and exposed. He spent his life making other people happy.

Guys, please, if you read this and you're having similar thoughts, call Lifeline on 13 11 44. I know what its like to feel misunderstood and like you're not taken seriously but there are people who will take you seriously and give you the attention that you need.

I hope Robin finds in death what he couldnt find in life.