A joke for the day

[sh@un]

I've been married for 25 years. I took a look at my wife one day and said-

"Honey, 25 years ago we had a 120Y, a cheap apartment, slept on a sofa-bed, and watched a 10" b&w TV...but every night I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde!.

Now we have an R34 GT-R M-spec, a city penthouse, big expensive bed and a 42" LCD TV- but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old...It seems you're not holding up your side"

Now my wife is a resonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a new hot 25-year-old blonde...and she'd make sure that I would once again be driving an old Datto, living in a cruddy apartment, sleeping on a futon....

(joke shamelessly stolen from Steet Machine mag and modified )

[JUN`R32]

Ultimate mens guide

please see attachment

wingmanbible.pdf

[Marsss]

Spok Crib

[sh@un]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, " I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die....So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the United States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. America's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."

[Sl!m]

oil change

Oil Change instructions for Women:

q Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

q Drink a cup of coffee.

q 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

q Oil Change $20.00

q Coffee $1.00

q Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2. Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16" box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27. Drink beer

28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30. Drink beer.

31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33. Begin cussing fit.

34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit fishing trophy.

36. Beer.

37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38. Beer.

39. Beer.

40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41. Beer.

42. Lower car from jack stands.

43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45. Beer.

46. Test drive car.

47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48. Car gets impounded.

49. Call loving wife, make bail.

50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

q Parts $50.00

q DUI $2500.00

q Impound fee $75.00

q Bail $1500.00

q Beer $40.00

q Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

[Sl!m]

lol

Asians_Are_Funny.wmv

Spider_on_Drugs.wmv

viera_clip.wmv

[burnsie]

might be a repost but oh well

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pre-tending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?" (You're gonna love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[Tinks]

lol

LMFAO at the spiders....... GOLD Sam!

[Addison]

whats the hardest thing about roller blading? telling your parents you're gay

[Sl!m]

Addison, your avatar makes me want to eat sugar

[sh@un]

or fairy bread

[Addison]

lol oh ok... thanks?? lol or wear lipstick if you boys swing that way

[Tinks]

Dunno if this one has been posted before..........

Chinese Sick Leave!

Hung Chow calls into work one day and says "I no come to work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come to work"

The boss says "you know something Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again and says "I do what you say and I feel great now. I be at work soon..... you got nice house".

[mike1987]

Dunno if this one has been posted before..........

Chinese Sick Leave!

Hung Chow calls into work one day and says "I no come to work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come to work"

The boss says "you know something Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again and says "I do what you say and I feel great now. I be at work soon..... you got nice house".

LOL

[Wink]

There was once a powerful king who wanted to take over the world with his massive 100,000 strong army.

Methodically, he disposed of enemy after enemy, all while making sure his army (through recruitment) always had exactly 100,000 men.

Finally, with only one more enemy castle to conquer, he decided to lay siege to the stronghold. The castle was small, so the king felt it was only a matter of time before it fell to his mighty army.

After the first night of the siege, the king woke up to find he had only 10,000 men left. Out in the morning fog, he saw standing atop the enemy castle, a black knight with a sword raised in victory.

Slightly disturbed at losing 90% of his army, the king decided to wait another day before attacking. He was more than confident he could take the castle with 10,000 men.

After the second night of the siege, the king woke up to find he had only 1000 men left. Again he saw standing atop the enemy castle, a black knight with a sword raised in victory.

Slightly demoralised at losing 90% of his army overnight, the king again decided to wait another day before attacking. He believed his 1000 remaining soldiers were still enough.

After the third night of the siege, the king woke up to find he had only 100 men left. Once again out in the morning fog, he saw standing atop the enemy castle, a black knight with a sword raised in victory.

Distraught at losing 90% of his army once again, the king decided to wait another day before attacking. Of his 100 men, he still had many war veterans and skilled fighters so he believed a surgical strike into the small castle could still defeat his enemy.

After the fourth night of the siege, the king woke up to find he had only 10 men left. Out in the morning fog, he saw standing atop the enemy castle, a black knight with a sword raised in victory.

Knowing victory was no longer possible, the king resigned to retreat. However to build energy for the long march home that lay ahead, he decided to retreat only after having a good nights rest.

After the fifth night of the siege, the king woke up to find he was the only one left in his army. Out in the morning fog, he saw standing atop the enemy castle, a black knight with a sword raised in victory.

The king walked to the gates of the small castle and as the gates opened, he came face to face with the black knight.

The king, finally defeated could only ask:

"Black knight, were you the one who destroyed my army every night?"

"No."

[Sl!m]

Bloody women drivers

womancargateflip.wmv

[sh@un]

There was once a powerful king...blah, blah, blah...."No."

[johno_shaun]

Here is one for u guys>>>>

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your drivers license?

Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle?

Driver: Its not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK???

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whos car is this?

Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the owner card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said theres a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, Ill bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too.

ENJOY!!!!!

[sh@un]

i've previously enjoyed ;]

[Sinful]

Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.95:

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.

Canadians: This is a little lighthouse. Your call.

This was the transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

LOL HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that is FUNNY

Got one for you lot

What is the difference between a red head and a brick ?????

a brick will get laid Sorry to the red heads out there

(((ANDREW)))