madmurf
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Posts posted by madmurf
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The Middle Wife
>
>By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.
>
>I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
>but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
>classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So
>I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over
>shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet
>turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
>
>And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they
>want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
>
>Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
>kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
>stuffed under her sweater.
>
>She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother,
>and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him
>as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach,
>and
>Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
>
>She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not
>to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
>in amazement.
>
>"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh,
>oh, oh, oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked
>around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now this kid is
>doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
>
>"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
>have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down
>in
>bed like this."
>
>Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
>
>"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
>he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
>psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are
>miming water flowing away. It was too much!
>
>"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, p ush,' and 'breathe,
>breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all
>of a
>sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said
>it
>was from Mom's play-centre!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside
>there."
>
>Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
>
>
>I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's
>show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica
>comes along.
>
-
So true...
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Little bit of reading but well worth it!!
>
>
>
> A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the kitchen with a
>steaming
>
> cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other.
>
> What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of
>those lessons
>
> that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you
>about it.
>
> I turned the volume up on my radio in order to listen to a
>Saturday
>
> morning talk show. I heard an older sounding chap with a
>golden voice. You
>
> know the kind, he sounded like he should be in the
>broadcasting business
>
> himself.
>
> He was talking about "a thousand marbles" to someone named
>"Tom."
>
> I was intrigued and sat down to listen to what he had to say.
>
> "Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm
>sure
>
> they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from
>home and your
>
> Family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to
>work sixty or
>
> seventy hours a week to make ends meet. Too bad you missed
>your daughter's
>
> dance recital."
>
> He continued, "Let me tell you something Tom, something that
>has
>
> helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities."
>
> And that's when he began to explain his theory of "a thousand
>
> marbles"
>
> "You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The
>average
>
> person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more
>and some live
>
> less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years."
>
> "Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900
>which is
>
> the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their
>entire
>
> lifetime. Now stick with me Tom, I'm getting to the important
>part."
>
> "It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about
>all this
>
> in any detail," he went on, "and by that time I had lived
>through over
>
> twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I
>lived to be
>
> seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to
>enjoy."
>
> "So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they
>had.
>
> I ended up having to visit three toy stores to roundup 1000
>marbles. I took
>
> them home and put them inside of a large, clear plastic
>container right here
>
> in my workshop next to the radio. Every Saturday since then, I
>have taken
>
> one marble out and have thrown it away"
>
> "I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more
>on the
>
> really important things in life. There is nothing like
>watching your time
>
> here on this earth run out to help get your priorities
>straight."
>
> "Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you
>and
>
> take my lovely wife out for breakfast.
>
> This morning, I took the very last marble out of the
>container. I
>
> figure if I make it until next Saturday then God has blessed
>me with a
>
> little extra time to be with my loved ones.
>
> "It was nice to talk to you Tom, I hope you spend more time
>with your
>
> loved ones, and I hope to meet you again someday. Have a good
>morning!"
>
> You could have heard a pin drop when he finished. Even the
>show's
>
> moderator didn't have anything to say for a few moments.
>
> I guess he gave us all a lot to think about.
>
> I had planned to do some work that morning, and then go to the
>gym.
>
> Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss.
>"C'mon honey, I'm
>
> taking you and the kids to breakfast."
>
> "What brought this on?" she asked with a smile. "Oh, nothing
>special,"
>
> I said. "It has just been a long time since we spent a
>Saturday together
>
> with the kids. Hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're
>out? I need to
>
> buy some marbles."
-
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?"
> >
> >The woman says: "No, he's 9 years old and she's 7. Why? Do you think
> >
> >they look alike?
> >
> >"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"
> >
-
So you tease the bulls
-
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two sheep.
You sell one and buy a ram.
Your flock multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: (Workchoices!)
You have two sheep.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the wool of four sheep.
You are surprised when the sheep drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
You go on strike because you want three sheep.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary sheep and produce 20 times the wool.
You then create clever sheep cartoon images called Sheepkimon and market them worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and shear themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
Both die from foot and mouth.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two sheep, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
You count them and learn you have five sheep.
You count them again and learn you have 42 sheep.
You count them again and learn you have 12 sheep.
You stop counting sheep and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5,000 sheep, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
You have 300 people shearing them.
You claim full employment, high productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
That one on the left is kinda cute...
-
Careful when reading. May offend some!!
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly
enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet,
she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally
arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk:
"Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out
laughing, replies:
"Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different
models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu
ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo
inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
" Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo
ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?"
-
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
>
>
> A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
> word.
>
> An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
> neither of them wanted to concede their position.
> As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and cops,
> the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
> "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
>
>
> W O R D S
>
> A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
> use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
> The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
> everything to men...
> The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
>
> CREATION
>
>
> A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
> stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
> "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
> God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
> God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
>
>
>
> >>
> The Silent Treatment
>
> A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
> giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that
> the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an
> early morning business flight.
> Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
> wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where
>he
> knew she would find it.
> The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
> and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
> his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the
> bed.
> The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
> Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
>
-
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
>////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
>My tire was thumping.
>
>I thought it was flat
>
>When I looked at the tire...
>
>I noticed your cat.
>
>Sorry!
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Heard your wife left you,
>
>How upset you must be.
>
>But don't fret about it...
>
>She moved in with me.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Looking back over the years
>
>that we've been together,
>
>I can't help but wonder...
>
>"What was I thinking?"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Congratulations on your wedding day!
>
>Too bad no one likes your husband.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>H ow could two people as beautiful as you
>
>Have such an ugly baby?
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>I've always wanted to have
>
>someone to hold,
>
>someone to love.
>
>After having met you .
>
>I've changed my mind.
>
>--------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>
>I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
>
>I never believed in Hell until I met you.
>
>//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
>
>As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
>
>That you're not here to ruin it for me.
>
>####################################################
>
>Congratulations on your promotion.
>
>Before you go...
>
>Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
>
>You'll probably need it again.
>
>*****************************************************************************
**
>
>Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
>
>(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
>
>Almost Lifelike!
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>When we were together,
>
>you always said you'd die for me.
>
>Now that we've broken up,
>
>I think it's time you kept your promise.
>
>//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
>
>We have been friends for a very long time ..
>
>let's say we stop?
>
>+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
>I'm so miserable without you
>
>it's almost like you're here.
>
>=====================================================
>
>Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
>
>Did you ever find out who the father was?
>
-
Careful when opening. May offend some!!
Look after your mates!!!!
-
This is Amazing!
Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems. (Magic Wand Car Wash Systems, just in case you want to buy one.) Bill's company installed a car wash system in Frederick, Md. Now, understand that these are complete systems, including the money changer and money taking machines.
The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was losing significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week.
He went as far as to accuse Bill's employees of having a key to the boxes and ripping him off. Bill just couldn't believe that his people would do that, so they setup a camera to catch the thief in action. Well, they did catch him on film!
See attachments
The bird had to go down into the machine, and back up inside to get to the money!
That's three quarters he has in his beak! Another amazing thing is that it was not just one bird -- there were several working together. Once they identified the thieves, they found over $4000 in quarters on the roof of the car wash and more under a nearby tree
And you thought you heard of everything by now!!!
-
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY .... !!!
-
A woman from New Yorkwas driving through a remote part of Arizona
when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian
Would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the
surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station
attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
-
And you think your job sucks?
-
JOKE OF THE DAY
Hey Guys Adam (Abo Bob) in his own moral wisdom is making up his own rules.
See PM below
This is a PM based on a warning I got for having a picture of some topless women on the beach under the Earth Quake Joke
Check out his reply. Basically if he dosnt like the your post under HIS guide lines not SAU he will enforce his powers to be.
What do you guys reckon.
QUOTE (Madmurf)
Bob (Adam)
I have checked out the guidlines and this only applies to
Signature & Avatar Rules
The earth quake post was some topless women which can seen down at most public beaches these days.
Happy to comply Bob just update your posting guide lines and remove my warning.
Cheers
(Adams Reply)
"No nudity, violence or swear words in Signatures or Avatars - this is a family site."
No matter what heading it comes under the intent is pretty clear.
-
Subject: Fw: THE EX WIFE
>
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing
to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last
week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and
nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your Ex-wife Millie
-----------------0----------------
Dear Ex-wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was
"You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say
Anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime
From me.
So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
Born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed, George
Rich As Hell and Free!
-
-
Subject: FW: Guts v Balls
We've all heard about men having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is
listed below.
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts
to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject
-
-
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5
inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates
built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the
pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools
that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break
on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the
spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England)
for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to
match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were
made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel
spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches
is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war
chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's
ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because Imperial Roman army
chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two
war horses.
Now the twist to the story
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big
booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are
solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their
factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred
to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from
the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens
to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that
tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the
railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years
ago by the width of a horse's ass......
And you thought, being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!
-
>AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE.
>
>THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
>
>THE OLD FARMER SAID, "OH, THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCKY. WHEREVER I GO,
>CHUCKY GOES."
>
>"I AM SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT, "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE
>THEATER."
>
>THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS
>OVERALLS.
>
>HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT
>DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
>
>THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER
>UNBUTTONED
>HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
>
>"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
>
>"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
>
>"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
>
>"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
>
>"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED.
>
>"WELL, DON'T WORRY A BOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN
>'EM
>ALL"
>
>"I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
>
>
-
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
>animated conversation.
>
>The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
>galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
>
>
>"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
>once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
>twice. Then I come one lasta time."
>
>" You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
>this country.......we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
>lives........"
>
>"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa
>tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
>
>
>
>
>I BET YOU GONNA READ THIS AGAIN!!!!!
-
Sweet Justice
-
Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"
says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly
Uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey".
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is
having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."
A joke for the day
in New South Wales
Posted
Four Letter Words~~~~
Please excuse the rough language in the following story...
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.