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madmurf

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    A joke for the day

    in New South Wales

    Posted

    Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is an Australian, one a New Zealander and the other a West Indian.

    They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these situations. All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes each other. "

    The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. "And," said the doctor, "they have all had little boys."

    The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.

    "However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and we would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."

    With that the Aussie raced passed the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying, "There's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!"

    The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Sir, of all the babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent."

    "That's a maybe," said the Aussie, "but one of the other two is a f#cking Kiwi and I'm not taking the chance."

    A joke for the day

    in New South Wales

    Posted

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a

    surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,

    Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs

    Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

    "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know

    babies are my specialty?"

    "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

    After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on

    the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.

    You can really spread out there."

    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

    "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,

    I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

    "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith.

    "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

    "Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith.

    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.

    The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly

    concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

    Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um..equipment?"

    "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

    "Tripod?"

    "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too

    big to be held in the hand very long."

    With that, Mrs. Smith fainted

    A joke for the day

    in New South Wales

    Posted

    The Boss was in a quandary.

    He has to fire somebody.

    He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

    It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.

    Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

    Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night.

    She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

    The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

    "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

    A joke for the day

    in New South Wales

    Posted

    Aussie Barbecue Season

    After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to

    summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your

    memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the

    only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is

    an element of danger involved.

    When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are

    put into motion:

    Routine...

    1) The woman buys the food.

    2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes

    dessert.

    3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along

    with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the

    man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

    Here comes the important part:

    4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

    More routine....

    5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

    6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He

    thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with

    the situation.

    Important again:

    7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

    More routine.....

    8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,

    sauces and brings them to the table.

    9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

    And most important of all:

    10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

    11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon

    seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing

    some women....

    A joke for the day

    in New South Wales

    Posted

    FEMALE PRAYER

    Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.

    Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. Amen.

    MALE PRAYER

    I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a liquor store and a trout boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

    Amen.

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