Kero

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Pathenon" The Italian says, "We have the Colloseum" The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians" The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire" and so on and so on and then Greek Says: "We invented sex" The Italian says "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women"

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the Front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from Evil incarnate. Soon, everyone had exited in the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact That God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Satan walked up to the old man and said: "Don't you know who I am? The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?," Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Smile!

The truth is out

Sadness In The World

So breastfeeding is out of the question then?

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7) Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6) I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6) My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7) I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6) Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can Give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6) When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7) A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5) When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8) On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was Going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

Funny side of some photos

This is an old classic... To get full effect, you must read the story 1st then see picture attached. A co-worker got a pen stuck inside a printer just before we had to go to a meeting. He started to try and remove the pen but I told him, "We don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling people not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk." So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. Later, one of my colleagues came in laughing saying he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on the printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found.Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to. NOW OPEN THE PICTURE.

Horses fall asleep too

Smile on ur dial!

Why it is important to smile at your wedding

Im sure they are all old ones...

Shopping In Other Countries Can Be Confusing... continued

Shopping In Other Countries Can Be Confusing

It will take only 20 seconds. What you have to do is to follow the instructions. Do not read the outcome before having made all the calculations, ok? Let’s start! 1. Decide the number of times you wish to make love during one week. 2. Multiply this number by 50. 3. Add to the result 44. 4. Then, multiply by 200. 5. If, this year, you have already celebrated your birthday, add 104. If you have not celebrated it yet add 103. 6. Last step: to the result you have obtained, subtract your birth year (for example, subtract 1968, 1973, etc.). Once you have made the subtraction, you should have a number with five figures. So: The first of the five figures points out the number of nights per week you wish to make love. Is it correct? But it is not all. The last two figures correspond to your age. But the best has still to came...... The second and the third figure point out THE POSITION YOU LIKE THE MOST WHILE YOU ARE MAKING LOVE!! This ‘mathematics curiosity’ works only for this year (2004)

1st Shade: A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung-up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know. Some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." 2nd Shade: Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the pavement and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." She hands it to the second blonde. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" 3rd Shade: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" 4th Shade: A blonde brags about her knowledge of American state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy... it's W!" 5th Shade: Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: "How can I be sure it's mine?" 6th Shade: A blonde had just totalled her car in an horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch. "Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was trampled on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?" "Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, madam," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air-freshener swinging back and forth." 7th Shade: Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen! I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

You may be an engineer... If Dilbert is your hero. If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE. If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas. If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes. If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail. If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX2-50. If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place. If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys. If you introduce your wife as "[email protected]". If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner. If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car. If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts. If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string. If you window shop at Radio Shack. If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest Sci-Fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies. If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area. If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run. If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment. If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is. If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven. If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush. If you own "Official Star Trek" anything. If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside. If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception. If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project. If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor. If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts. If you have never backed-up your hard drive. If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud. If you truly believe aliens are living among us. If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is". If you see a good design and still have to change it. If the sales people at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions. If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it. If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind. If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are. If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires. If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal. If you have more toys than your kids. If you need a checklist to turn on the TV. If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name. If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work. If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight. If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it. If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary. If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery Channel and have seen most of the shows already. If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for. If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal. If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use. If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting. If people groan at the party when you pick out the music. If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week. If you did the sound system for your senior prom. If your checkbook always balances. If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone. If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life. If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the Mission Controllers. If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep. If you spend more on your home computer than your car. If you know what http:/ stands for. If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio. If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage. If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory. If your lap-top computer costs more than your car. If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate.

Unfortunately this is NOT funny but things we should always. Keep in mind! TIPS FROM POLICE .... This is a good reminder for all of us. You can never read this too many times!! 1. Tip from police: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do! 2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you.... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet or purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! 3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives. 4. Women have a tendency to get into their car after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their cheque book or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. 5. A Few Notes About Getting Into Your Car In a Parking Lot, or Parking Garage: A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat (and check out under the car as you approach). B.) If you're parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY (and better paranoid than dead.) 6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs.(Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot). 7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ, RUN! 8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they heard baby cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

The Adventure Begins Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!" THERE'S MORE Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!" IT IS NOT OVER YET Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!"

A cruise ship hired a magician to entertain the passengers. Since the passengers changed every four or five days, the magician was able to perform the same tricks over and over. Unfortunately, the Captain of the ship had a parrot who sat around and watched the magician perform his tricks, over and over. Eventually, the parrot learned how the tricks were done and would interrupt the act. "It's in his sleeve" the parrot would say. "He switched balls". "It's in his pocket". Etc., etc. Naturally, the magician was quite disturbed by the parrot but could do nothing about it, since it belonged to the Captain. Unfortunately, the cruise ship had the misfortune of hitting an iceberg and sank to the bottom of the sea in a matter of minutes. As fate would have it, the magician and the parrot managed to grab hold of the same floating piece of furniture. For 3 days, neither said anything. The magician stared at the parrot and the parrot stared back. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot cracked and said: "OK, I give up, where the f__ did you put the ship?"

oldie... The year's best (actual) headlines of 2003 +(america) crack found on governor's daughter ( won't go there!) +something went wrong in jet crash, expert says (no, really?) +police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers (now that's taking things a bit far!) +is there a ring of debris around uranus? (not if you wipe thoroughly!) +panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over (wow what a guy!) +miners refuse to work after death (no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!) +juvenile court to try shooting defendant (see if that works any better than a fair trial!) +war dims hope for peace (i can see where it might have that effect!) +if strike isn't settled quickly, it may last awhile (you think?!) +cold wave linked to temperatures (who would have thought!) +enfield (london) couple slain; police suspect homicide (they may be on to something!) +red tape holds up new bridges (you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!) +man struck by lightning faces battery charge (he probably is the battery charge!) +new study of obesity looks for larger test group (weren't they fat enough?!) +astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft (that's what he gets for eating those beans!) +kids make nutritious snacks (taste like chicken!) +chef throws his heart into helping feed needy (that was really giving of himself!) +local high school dropouts cut in half (chainsaw massacre all over again!) +hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors (boy, are they tall!) and the winner is.... +typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead (i certainly hope so!)

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey!" The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaark.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Sisterhood

Man's life before and after marriage...