Jump to content
SAU Community

Recommended Posts

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her nonna (Grandmother)said:

"Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is Going to

try and

kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is

going

to try and feel you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do

that.

But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have

his way

with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It

will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had

predicted

"Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just

turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"

.....................Nonna fainted!!

  • Replies 1.7k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

What we learn from pornos

Women wear high heels to bed.

Men are never impotent.

When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream

with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.

Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.

Women always orgasm when men do.

A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

All women are noisy ****s.

People in the 70's couldn't **** unless there was a wild guitar solo in

the background.

Those tits are real.

A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his

half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

Men always groan 'OH YEAH' when they cum.

If there is two of them they 'high five' each other. (and the girl isn't

disgusted!)

Double penetration makes women smile.

Asian men don't exist.

If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the

boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your

**** in his girlfriend's mouth.

There's a plot.

When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a

woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.

Nurses suck patients ****s.

Men always pull out.

When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll

only be momentarily pissed off before ****ing both of you.

Women never have headaches.

When a woman is sucking a man's ****, it's important for him to remind

her to 'suck it'

Assholes are clean.

A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all

parties concerned.

Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's pants and

find a **** there.

Men don't have to beg.

Funny Quotes

1. "It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers

2. "If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."

Rodney Dangerfield

3. "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."

Steve Martin.

4. "My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."

Emo Philips.

5. "When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better."

Mae West.

6. "What's wrong with a little incest? It's both handy and cheap."

James Agate

7. "I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though."

Elton John.

8. "My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects."

Les Dawson

9. "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."

Woody Allen

10. "A terrible thing happened to me last night again - Nothing."

Phyllis Diller

Funny Quotes

11. "The Love Bird is 100% faithful to his mate, as long as they are locked together in the same cage."

Will Cuppy

12. "Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night."

Woody Allen

13. "My best birth control now is to leave the lights on."

Joan Rivers

14. "It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."

Marylyn Munroe.

15. "Oh son of rajab give me chastity, but do not give it yet."

St Augustine

16. "The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin."

Honore de Balzac

17. "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."

Woody Allen

18. "Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure."

Bob Hope

19. "I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."

Bernard Manning.

20. "I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds."

Joan Rivers

Funny Quotes

21. "I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls."

Groucho Marx

22. "She said he proposed something on their wedding night that even her own brother wouldn't have suggested."

James Thurber

23. "My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."

Emo Philips.

24. "It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it."

Winston Churchill

25. "You know of course that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct."

Somerset Maugham

26. "A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man."

Mignon McLaughlin

27. "I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."

Woody Allen.

28. "When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."

Matt Groening.

29. "If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips."

Woody Allen

30. "Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer."

Joan Rivers.

Funny Quotes

31. "There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."

PJ O'Rourke

32. "What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home."

Ken Hammond.

33. "Sex is God's joke on human beings."

Bette Davis

34. "Like most men, I am consumed with desire whenever a lesbian gets within twenty feet."

Taki.

35. "There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed."

George Burns

36. "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Emo Philips.

37. "I am always looking for meaningful one night stands."

Dudley Moore

38. "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one."

Woody Allen.

39. "Sex is the invention of a very clever venereal disease."

David Cronenberg

40. "Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."

Steve Martin.

Funny Quotes

41. "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."

Brendan Francis.

42. "My ultimate fantasy is to entice a man to my bedroom, put a gun to his head and say, 'Make babies or die'."

Ruby Wax

43. "I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off."

Joan Rivers

44. "Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk."

Andy Gibb

45. "An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."

Edgar Wallace.

46. "My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

Emo Philips.

47. "I would read Playboy magazine more often, but my glasses keep steaming over."

George Burns

48. "I know nothing about sex because I was always married."

Zsa Zsa Gabor

49. "Sex at the age of eighty-four is a wonderful experience. Especially the one in the winter."

Milton Berle

50. "I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy."

Frank Carson

Oldie....

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.

Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.

Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

Dog

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but Hanging a

bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter, so the daughter said "Mum, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers,

Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding along and hear a strange noise in the distance.

Tonto jumps of his horse and put his ear to the ground.......

Gets up and exclaims proudly "Buffalo come"

"How did you know that?" says the Lone Ranger

"Face sticky"

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now



  • Similar Content

  • Latest Posts

    • From there, it is really just test and assemble. Plug the adapter cables from the unit into the back of the screen, then the other side to the car harness. Don't forget all the other plugs too! Run the cables behind the unit and screw it back into place (4 screws) and you should now have 3 cables to run from the top screen to the android unit. I ran them along the DS of the other AV units in the gap between their backets and the console, and used some corrugated tubing on the sharp edges of the bracket so the wires were safe. Plug the centre console and lower screen in temporarily and turn the car to ACC, the AV should fire up as normal. Hold the back button for 3 sec and Android should appear on the top screen. You need to set the input to Aux for audio (more on that later). I put the unit under the AC duct in the centre console, with the wifi antenna on top of the AC duct near the shifter, the bluetooth antenna on the AC duct under the centre console The GPS unit on top of the DS to AC duct; they all seem to work OK there are are out of the way. Neat cable routing is a pain. For the drive recorder I mounted it near the rear view mirror and run the cable in the headlining, across the a pillar and then down the inside of the a pillar seal to the DS lower dash. From there it goes across and to one USB input for the unit. The second USB input is attached to the ECUtec OBD dongle and the 3rd goes to the USB bulkhead connected I added in the centre console. This is how the centre console looks "tidied" up Note I didn't install the provided speaker, didn't use the 2.5mm IPod in line or the piggyback loom for the Ipod or change any DIP switches; they seem to only be required if you need to use the Ipod input rather than the AUX input. That's it, install done, I'll follow up with a separate post on how the unit works, but in summary it retains all factory functions and inputs (so I still use my phone to the car for calls), reverse still works like factory etc.
    • Place the new daughterboard in the case and mount it using the 3 small black rivets provided, and reconnect the 3 factory ribbon cables to the new board Then, use the 3 piggyback cables from the daughterboard into the factory board on top (there are stand offs in the case to keep them apart. and remember to reconnect the antenna and rear cover fan wires. 1 screw to hold the motherboard in place. Before closing the case, make a hole in the sticker covering a hole in the case and run the cable for the android unit into the plug there. The video forgot this step, so did I, so will you probably. Then redo the 4 screws on back, 2 each top and bottom, 3 each side and put the 2 brackets back on.....all ready to go and not that tricky really.      
    • Onto the android unit. You need to remove the top screen because there is a daughterboard to put inside the case. Each side vent pops out from clips; start at the bottom and carefully remove upwards (use a trim remover tool to avoid breaking anything). Then the lower screen and controls come out, 4 screws, a couple of clips (including 3 flimsy ones at the top) and 3 plugs on the rear. Then the upper screen, 4 screws and a bunch of plugs and she is out. From there, remove the mounting brackets (2 screws each), 4 screws on the rear, 2 screws top and bottom and 3 screws holding in the small plates on each side. When you remove the back cover (tight fit), watch out for the power cable for the fan, I removed it so I could put the back aside. The mainboard is held in by 1 screw in the middle, 1 aerial at the top and 3 ribbon cables. If you've ever done any laptop stuff the ribbon cables are OK to work with, just pop up the retainer and they slide out. If you are not familiar just grab a 12 year old from an iphone factory, they will know how it works The case should now look like this:
    • Switching the console was tricky. First there were 6 screws to remove, and also the little adapter loom and its screws had to come out. Also don't forget to remove the 2 screws holding the central locking receiver. Then there are 4 clips on either side....these were very tight in this case and needed careful persuading with a long flat screw driver....some force required but not enough to break them...this was probably the fiddliest part of the whole job. In my case I needed both the wiring loom and the central locking receiver module to swap across to the new one. That was it for the console, so "assembly is the reverse of disassembly"
    • But first....while I was there, I also swapped across the centre console box for the other style where the AV inputs don't intrude into the (very limited !) space.  Part# was 96926-4GA0A, 284H3-4GA0B, 284H3-4GA0A. (I've already swapped the top 12v socket for a USB bulkhead in this pic, it fit the hole without modification:) Comparison of the 2: Basically to do the console you need to remove the DS and PS side console trim (they slide up and back, held in by clips only) Then remove the back half of the console top trim with the cupholders, pops up, all clips again but be careful at the front as it is pretty flimsy. Then slide the shifter boot down, remove the spring clip, loose it forever somewhere in the car the pull the shift knob off. Remove the tiny plastic piece on DS near "P" and use something thin and long (most screwdrivers won't fit) to push down the interlock and put the shifter down in D for space. There is one screw at the front, then the shifter surround and ashtray lift up. There are 3 or 4 plugs underneath and it is off. Next is the rear cover of the centre console; you need to open the console lid, pop off the trim covering the lid hinge and undo the 2rd screw from the driver's side (the rest all need to come out later so you can do them all now and remove the lid) Then the rear cover unclips (6 clips), start at the top with a trim tool pulling backwards. Once it is off there are 2 screws facing rearwards to remove (need a short phillips for these) and you are done with the rear of the console. There are 4 plugs at the A/V box to unclip Then there are 2 screws at the front of the console, and 2 clips (pull up and back) and the console will come out.
×
×
  • Create New...