DEAR SANTA: I'M FEELING LAZY
Dear Santa:
It's been many years since I wrote to you, not because I
stopped believing in you but because I needed to recover
from the disappointment of 1982. That was the year I asked
you for a set of dumbbells and you brought me a poster of
The Jackson Five.
But all is forgiven, Santa. I realize now that there was
some logic behind your gift, that you weren't just acting
like other grown-ups, opposed to all forms of heavy metal. I
should have known it was just a misunderstanding, that you'd
be thrilled to bring me exercise equipment, being the model
of fitness yourself.
That leads me to my first request, Santa. I'd like an
Abtronic electronic muscle stimulator, a marvelous device
that will allow me to tone my stomach muscles while taking a
nap. I love what the manufacturer says: "Your muscles are
moving but you are not!" That reminds me of something my
high school teacher once told me: "Your brain is thinking
but you are not!" Anyway, Santa, the older I get, the more I
like the idea of exercising without moving.
That may explain why I also want the Roomba Robotic Vacuum
Cleaner, a sleek, compact machine that uses sensors to clean
a carpet. I don't like upright cleaners, Santa, because they
usually require me to be upright. I'd rather be flat on my
back, reading a book. I love what the manufacturer says:
"You won't believe how fun this robotic vacuum cleaner is to
watch!" I believe it, Santa! I have only one question: Will
I have to change the filter or will it do that itself?
My third request, Santa, is a Smarthome Around the House RF
Remote, which sends out both infrared and radio frequency
commands to appliances as far away as 100 feet. It would
allow me to control not just my TV, but also my neighbor's.
I won't have to ask them to turn the volume down anymore.
And I won't have to worry about them watching Fox News. I
love what the manufacturer says: "Control the stereo or TV
from the kitchen, bedroom or even the hot tub." I'd love it
even more if I actually had a hot tub. (Hint, hint.)
Another gift I'd like to receive, Santa, is the Smarthome
Deluxe Lighting Control Starter Kit, which will allow me to
turn off all my lights with a single remote. I've tried
other ways of turning off lights, but my 18-month-old
daughter just won't cooperate. (She has trouble carrying the
ladder around.) Besides, I'm really skillful with remotes.
As my wife said to me the other day, "You know exactly which
buttons to push, don't you?"
Finally, Santa, I'd like a year's supply of Slim-Fast
Shakes. For some reason, I think I might need them.
In closing, Santa, I just want to explain why I won't be
leaving any cookies for you. My wife is concerned about your
weight, afraid you might get hypertension, suffer a heart
attack, or even worse, damage our chimney. I've tried to
tell her that you're very active for your age, that other
men so old couldn't do half what you do. In just five
minutes, they'd be tired, and in another five, they'd be
retired.
Anyway, please don't hold it against me, Santa. Remember:
Carrot sticks are good for you!
