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A joke for the day

Tosh

By Tosh,
in New South Wales

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GTRSRULE!!! Grand Master

GTRSRULE!!!

Posted
Posted

Are You Ready for Children?

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Jock vs. Nerd

$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it? However...

$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.

The Birds and the Bees

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

Intelligent Life?

Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on Earth. The Captain and First Mate step out and says: "Creatures of the third planet... erm, we have come from Somewhere-Out-There, and we wish to talk to your leader."

No one moves or makes a sound.

The First Mate says: "Perhaps they are afraid of us."

The Captain nods and says again in a friendlier voice: "Please, we mean no harm, just let us speak to your leader."

Nothing happens.

"We mean no harm, we have come in peace."

Again nothing happens.

Growing impatient the First Mate says: "If you will not take us to your leader, we will have to take one of you on board our ship for examination!"

When no one makes a move, the Captain pulls out a big laser gun and shouts: "OK, THAT'S IT, FIRST MATE, TAKE THE ONE ON THE END! CUT HIM AWAY FROM THE EARTH HE LOVES SO MUCH!"

Some blocks away, two police men sit in their car when they see the light from the laser.

"Omigod! Did you see that," the first policeman says to the other. They drive to where they saw the light and stop, scratching their heads. "Looks like it's been cut off neatly," the first one says. "Yeah, but why? They'd only get a few dimes out of it." They look around the spot in wonder. And the second says: "Why would anybody want to steal a parking meter?"

Good Sport

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."

GTRSRULE!!! Grand Master

GTRSRULE!!!

Posted
Posted

Condom Size Tester

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

Breaking the Law, Breaking the Law

A bank robber was running from the law. The police were on his tail and he had nowhere to go so he went into a church.

A priest started to talk to him and just as he was asking him why he stole the money the robber heard sirens. He shot the priest and moments later then the police shot the robber.

Somehow there was a mix up; the robber went to heaven and the priest went to hell.

Luckily, they found the mistake and when they were changing places, they both met in the middle. The priest said to him, "I cant wait until I meet the Virgin Mary!" The robber said, "She's not a virgin anymore."

Kero Mentor

Kero

Posted
Posted

Amazing Tsunami Survivor Photo - good news story

READ FIRST!!!!

After all the devastation, some good news.

The woman in the attached photo was found safe and sound and in remarkably good condition, having miraculously managed to stay afloat for days...a glimmer of hope for us all.

GTRSRULE!!! Grand Master

GTRSRULE!!!

Posted
Posted

Blonde and Brunette, Falling

A blonde and a both jump off a cliff at the same time. Which one will hit the bottom first? The brunette, because the blonde has to ask for directions.

While the cat's away

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: "Hello? Oh, hi.... I'm so glad that you called.... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time.... Oh, that sounds terrific.... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

 "Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

While the cat's away

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: "Hello? Oh, hi.... I'm so glad that you called.... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time.... Oh, that sounds terrific.... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

 "Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Kero Mentor

Kero

Posted
Posted

OU MUST READ THE STORY FIRST then open picture

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my deck chair, drinking beer and watching my wife, mow the lawn.

Amanda from next door was so upset at this that she came over and shouted "Jeff, you lazy lout! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your butt, and give her a break!"

Gawd!

Women!

I took a slug from my stubby of VB, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban's, stared directly at our nosey neighbour, and told her in no uncertain terms to mind her own jolly business. "My wife has a green thumb, and she really enjoys gardening." After a few days I felt really bad so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. I have attached a picture.

Jeff

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