Jump to content
SAU Community

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 1.7k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

Job Applicant

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,  Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.  My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

DeerSir1_2_.doc

Aussie Barbecue Season

After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to

summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your

memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the

only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is

an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are

put into motion:

Routine...

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes

dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along

with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the

man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He

thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with

the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,

sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon

seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing

some women....

Cyber Sex Gone Wrong

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: { [logged off]

Hey Guys,

I wouldn't normally send on this sort of scare-mongering but this comes from a very reliable source and warning is genuine.

Yesterday, a friend of mine was travelling on a train from Punchbowl.

A man of Middle Eastern appearance got off the train and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. He grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the station and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful, he looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to...with a word of advice for you : Stay away from Punchbowl "

My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" he asked him. "No ...", he whispered back...... "It's a shithole."

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now



  • Similar Content

  • Latest Posts

    • Yeah I suspect even if you hold airmass per cycle/cylinder constant if you get too far away from stock you're still going to have problems running the factory tune within the bounds of the factory load scale. Cams, different displacement/rod ratio, etc. I'm just lucky that the GTIII-SS with wastegate boost + CA compliance cats is pretty much equivalent to stock turbos. When I have actual space I can finally get it tuned and modify the fuel system for flex fuel to 100% handle any detonation concerns when cranking the boost to whatever those dinky turbos can put out.
    • I would say no, why, because my daughter, who also lives in Goulburn, hasn't recommended us going there Pity, as we miss all the German joints around in Sydney, actually, the restaurants are the only thing I really miss about Sydney, and a special mention to Ishibanboshi at Bondi Junction, their Kara-age Don is heart cloggingly deliciousness (always added a special boiled egg...or 2) 😋 
    • Does that German restaurant still exist in the old place out the NW end of Goulburn? When I say "out the NW end of"...I am really being vague. It was 1997 when I was last there, and the only point of reference I can recall is that it was on the opposite side of the main drag from the big merino. And when I say "opposite side of the main drag", I don't mean "on the main drag". It was either a couple of streets back from there, or might have even been out in the sticks a bit further. Was an old farm building or mill or somesuch. And when I say "the big merino" I might actually be thinking of a completely different part of town, because I just looked on maps and the big bugger is not where I remembered him to be! The food was good, consisting largely of various German mystery-meat sausage/loaf things and kartofflen.
    • So while the second sentence is completely correct and the whole point of the conversation, the first sentence bears consideration. If this bloke is just hoping to throw big turbos on and drive it around, because there are no helpful facilities at all in his tropical paradise** then he likely has zero chance of even knowing what the TP is on the last column in the stock maps, let alone know whether the ECU is operating anywhere near it or past it. So the point is very very moot. And, per what I said before, at stock boost on those turbos, you may well be off the end of the map. **I'm just back from Vanuatu, so I know exactly what small Pacific nations can be like wrt paradise without requisite facilities. But it's not even that simple. I put a high flow on my car and had to drive it around without a proper tune because of the lack of opportunity*** to put the bigger AFM and injectors into it to allow it to be tuned. I had to turn the boost down to less than I had before, and back off the boost controller's ramp, because it was exploring parts of the map that it didn't drive in before, and really couldn't access for tuning on the dyno either, and so was pinging. It was still well within the last column, because when I first**** set up the Nistune on the Neo I rescaled all axes of the maps to give some more space to explore. ***Family dyno was broken ****This was 13 years ago, and the TIM thing wasn't a thing then and so TP would definitely grow when pushing past the stock tune's limits.
    • Yep, this bit another local owner. I caught it before putting the transmission back into the car, what I noticed was the pressure plate fingers weren't flat and even. It's more obvious with the pull style clutch because the throwout bearing ring was visibly not flat once everything is put together. Nismo should really update their instructions to call out this specific detail. I'm not even sure the clutch as-shipped orients everything properly.
×
×
  • Create New...