Jump to content
SAU Community

Recommended Posts

>>> A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices

>>> a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

>>>

>>> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

>>> HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

>>> 10 MILES

>>>

>>> He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on

>>> without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which

>>> reads:

>>>

>>> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

>>> HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

>>> 5 MILES

>>>

>>> Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and

>>> drives past a third sign saying:

>>>

>>> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

>>> HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

>>> NEXT RIGHT

>>>

>>> His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On

>>> the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small

>>> sign next to the door reading:

>>>

>>> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

>>>

>>> He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a

>>> nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

>>> He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested

>>> in possibly doing business...."

>>> "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding

>>> passages and is soon quite disoriented.

>>> The nun stops in front of a closed door and tells the man, "Please

>>> knock on this door."

>>>

>>> He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup

>>> answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the

>>> cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the

>>> hallway."

>>>

>>> He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips

>>> through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he

>>> finds himself back in the parking lot facing another

>>> sign:

>>>

>>> GO IN PEACE.

>>> YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.

>>> FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/18/#findComment-2873073
Share on other sites

Announcement from Apple Computers

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost between $499 and $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/18/#findComment-2873516
Share on other sites

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has

hit Lebanon.

Two million Lebanese have died and over a million are injured. The

country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to

start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock........

United States is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The Australians, not to be outdone, are sending two million

replacement Lebanese.

God bless our Aussie generosity.

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/18/#findComment-2873958
Share on other sites

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential public issues, however I had a close miss yesterday on the way home from work.

I walked into Bunnings and some old guy dressed in a red polo shirt and an apron asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, due to my quick reflexes, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that!

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. Take care and keep your wits about you.

Specially at Bunnings.

:P;):laugh: Excellent!

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/18/#findComment-2875070
Share on other sites

Making De Love

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my

girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she

floatsa 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished

making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and

zen ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12

inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my missus, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick

on the curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the bloody roof.

Edited by zooee
Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/18/#findComment-2875404
Share on other sites

While walking through the Boulder , Colorado woods, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Un derstandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/18/#findComment-2880471
Share on other sites

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS.

This one is for everyone who...

a) had kids

b) has kids

c) is going to have kids

d) knows a kid

e) was a kid

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers", pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/18/#findComment-2880646
Share on other sites

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children

what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,

fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, plumber etc, but Billy was being

uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

Billy answered. "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes

off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is

really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let

them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little

Billy aside to ask him if what he said was really true.

"No" said Billy. "He plays cricket for England but I was just too

embarrassed to say."

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/18/#findComment-2886097
Share on other sites

> Subject: Woman and a Frog

>

>

> A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

> She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

> The frog

>

> said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three

>

> wishes."

>

>

>

> The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed

> to

>

> mention that there was a condition to the wishes. Whatever you wish

> for, your husband will get times ten!"

>

>

>

> The woman said, "That's okay."

>

>

>

> For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the

>

> world.

>

> The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make

> your

>

> husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will

>

> flock to".

>

>

>

> The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful

>

> woman in the world and he will have eyes only for me."

>

> So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

>

>

>

> For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

>

> The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the

> world.

>

> And he will be ten times richer than you."

>

> The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's

> his is

>

> mine."

>

> So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

>

>

>

>

>

> The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd

> like a mild heart attack."

>

>

>

>

>

> Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

>

>

>

>

>

> Attention female readers:

>

> This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling

> good.

>

>

>

>

>

> Male readers: Please scroll down.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

>

>

>

> Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really

> smart.

>

>

>

> Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

>

>

>

>

>

> PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; Women never listen,

> do

>

> they?

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/18/#findComment-2890490
Share on other sites

Differences in child discipline 1960 vs. 2006

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

******************************************************

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money because Jeffrey has a disability.

******************************************************

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

******************************************************

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1960 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her Grade 12 year at a special school for expectant mothers.

2006 - School Counsellor calls Planned Parenthood. Mary is driven to the next province and gets an abortion without her parents' consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

******************************************************

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Halloween, puts them in a bottle, blows up a red ant hill.

1960- Ants die.

2006 - Fire Department and RCMP called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Provincial Government investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list.

******************************************************

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him

1960 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.

Link to comment
https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/18/#findComment-2893168
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now



  • Latest Posts

    • My experience with Rising Sun Exports Before agreeing to the sale I tried to do as much research as I could (obviously), his Facebook reviews are 98% and he goes Live at least once or twice a week. I contacted 2 people in the UK who had used him for their imports, both had positive feedback. His explanation and talk through of the import process was thorough, answering any query no matter how stupid it was. It felt as soon as the money was sent, communication dropped off. I asked for shipping updates every 2 weeks or so, not wanting to pester him, he never had any updates. I wasn't informed the car had been dropped off at the port, I only found out by his Facebook story. I asked for the photos taken at the port, knowing he would need some for insurance purposes. I received a few 5 second clips and that's it. When asked again, he said his staff had them. Weeks later I asked again, he tells me he doesn't have any, but does have 50 photos from the original advert. I never received them. I eventually got the documents sent via WhatsApp after I mentioned the port was requesting them. I purchased a CarVX report, to find out the vehicle is a Grade R with recorded accident damage, first recorded in 2017 when it was first auctioned. He never told me the grade, then again I didn't ask. His response was "Grade R means nothing, it wasn't chassis damage". Still, I would have liked to have been informed about it. Jon prides himself on being open and honest when it comes to inspecting cars, it's his main job doing so at the auctions for customers. When the vehicle arrived in the UK I noticed a few little cosmetic issues. It's a 21 year old car so it wasn't going to be mint condition. The side skirts are cracked on each corner and the sealant is failing. The front grill on the bonnet/hood isn't secured very well, mounting studs are missing. Both minor things, but again, it would have been nice to be told. During a Facebook Live walk around video of the vehicle, he mentioned it has a front Whiteline anti roll bar/sway bar. While on the inspection ramp, I noticed the stock item has been installed. When first questioned, his response was "the ARB? Switched? Since when, it never had them". Since sending video and photo evidence I've not received a response. I'm probably being over critical of the overall condition of an old car, but all I wanted was honesty (which he claims to have). I'm aware I wasn't his only customer, he's busy doing XYZ but other reviews praise him for great communication with regular updates and photos, I felt I didn't receive the same treatment. 
    • I was able to get some underside photos while the car was on the ramp The suspension is all Altezza/IS200/IS300 so getting part's will hopefully be less of a headache
    • Welcome to my 2004 Toyota Mark ii IR-V Fortuna (series 2) With a 1JZ-GTE powerplant under the bonnet (hood) it'll give me plenty of scope for power upgrades. For those who aren't familiar with imports, the 1JZ-GTE is a 2.5L 6 cylinder VVTi engine with a single turbocharger. This has the factory R154 5 speed gearbox, along with a aftermarket 2 way LSD differential (brand unknown). Under the arches are a set of CST Zero 1 alloys, 18x9 +30 225/40 up front and 18x9.5 +15 265/35 on the rear. The car was quite low in Japan and there's evidence of the wheels catching the rolled arches/fenders. The tyre's aren't great so I'm in two minds whether to replace both or just the tyres and put up with the wider wheels on the rear. The car still uses stock brakes with the addition of some braided hoses. The exterior is stock with the exception of a BN Sports front bumper and a replacement Fortuna grill  Moving to the interior, the steering wheel has been replaced with a dished MOMO steering wheel (which will get swapped for my Momo Tuner for the time being) Defi Link Gauges are mounted above the climate controls and on the A pillar, the Oil Temp,Oil Pressure,Water Temp and Boost gauges should help with spirited and track driving  The stock seats have been replaced with some retrimmed Recaro bucket seats. Being a larger build these are a little snug, unfortunately the orange isn't for me so I'll look into replacing these down the line. Other modifications include a twin plate clutch, Blitz intercooler, Evolve alloy radiator, a stainless exhaust with decat, HKS EVC-S boost controller and coil overs
    • Apologies for the long read My R34 GTT was up for sale at the beginning of spring due to a few repairs creeping up. The strut tops needed replacing, roof and bonnet (hood) painting (yay for 3 stage pearl) and the underside stripped and treated. I sold the car which allowed me to be in a much better place financially. Leading up to the sale I was already thinking about the replacement. In an ideal world it needed to be a good all-rounder. Something I can mess around with, modify, do track days, do the school run, go on long drives etc.  Options included but not limited to... Laurel C35, Evo 8/9, Civic FD2, Impreza Hawkeye, Aristo and even an Audi S4 Avant (I've already got the Mazda 6 wagon). But there was always one car at the top of the list The Toyota Mark ii JZX110 I found an advert on a Facebook group for an example in Japan, from a seller called Jon at Rising Sun Exports. A few messages back and forth and Jon calls me from Yokohama one morning (or afternoon in his case). He briefly explained the import process, the costs involved and a repeat of the advert. After much deliberation, the price was agreed and the sale was locked in. I've never imported a vehicle so I jumped into the unknown head first. The money transfer was completed through wise.com (fees apply), very easy to use and the money was with him within a day or two.  The car suspension was raised for the vessel and the car dropped off at the port. It was 7 weeks later when the bill of lading was received and the freight invoice sent to me, followed by the export certificate a couple of days after (both digital copies) In the mean time the port had been in contact. I needed an agent to deal with the NOVA (notification of vehicle arrival) along with the tax/duty invoice, this was £75.00. The port also had a fee of £100, I'm guessing to cover the cost of the 10 day 'free storage' and for moving the car off the boat etc. They need a copy of the vehicle invoice, freight invoice and export certificate to allow the vehicle to pass through customs. The vessel arrived on Tuesday 5th August, the tax/duty invoice was generated and sent over. This is generally tax 20% and duty 10% of the vehicle value. Although the invoice came in at a higher amount than I had calculated. Once HMRC had received the payment the vehicle could be released from customs. I thought once the tax/duty was paid you could collect at any point, that's not the case. Your agent will need to book a collection slot, I requested Thursday 7th which was accepted, with a 9:00am slot allocated. It was a 5:00am start from Norfolk heading to Southampton. We eventually found the compound, upon presenting the bill of lading and some ID they released the car (they drove it out of the compound to the front ready for us to load up). The email from the port stated each slot had a 10 minute window, which seemed abit farfetched but the staff said it's not a strict rule. We were there for approx. 30-40 mins in total. A week prior to collecting I contacted my garage and explained the situation, I was able to get an inspection slot that afternoon. For the registration, DVLA require the car to be insured, for this I used a company called Adrian Flux who can insure the vehicle using the VIN number. 
    • Hey guys, looking for these side skirts if anyone can help me out. 
×
×
  • Create New...