A joke for the day

[GTRSRULE!!!]

A jackaroo in Australia was out checking farm fences in his ute when he hit something. He radioed the homestead for advice. "There's a pig stuck in the bullbars and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said. "Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the ute there's a .303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbars and throw it into the bush." About 45 minutes later the jackeroo called in again, "I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbars, no problem. But I still can't go on." "Why not?" asked the boss. "What's the problem?" "Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."

--------------------------------------------

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed,naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shat On my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air.

--------------------------------------------

WANTED

A tall well-built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classic music and tal-

king without getting too serious

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

--------------------------------------------

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE BUT AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

5. Hmmmmmm... I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't...

1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there.

--------------------------------------------

A Little Poem Regarding Computer Spell Checkers . .

Eye halve a spelling chequer

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My chequer tolled me sew.

--------------------------------------------

An Aussie is having his 'petit dejeuner' (coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Aussie ignores the American who, never the less, starts a conversation. American: "You Aussie folk eat the whole bread??" Aussie (in a bad mood): "Of course." American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia." The American has a smirk on his face. The Aussie listens in silence. The American persists: "D'ya eat jam with the bread??" Aussie: "Of course." American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Australia." The Aussie then asks: "Do you have sex in America?" American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk. Aussie: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" American: "We throw them away, of course." Aussie: "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."

[GTRSRULE!!!]

We've all heard the phrase: " You learn something new everyday" Well, here's today's lesson: Think before you speak! This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

--------------------------------------------

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to Send your father a birthday card.

5. You despise people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track pad.

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Signs That You Are Too Drunk

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

10. You can focus better with one eye closed.

11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

12. You fall off the floor...

13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

16. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

18. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

19. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and omen

20. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

21. Roseanne looks good.

22. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

23. That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.

24. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

25. "I'm as jober as a sudge."

26. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

27. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

--------------------------------------------

"I'M GOING FISHING"

Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."

Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F. Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."

Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."

Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

--------------------------------------------

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.

Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not ****ing going.'

--------------------------------------------

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot.

They not only expected you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location

now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

[GTRSRULE!!!]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me" , he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I bloody didn't"

--------------------------------------------

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, **** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

--------------------------------------------

IRELANDS Y2K STATEMENT

"Our staff have completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every programme in every system. We have analysed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y2K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programmes and all data to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December.

As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this "Y to K" problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible"

[Terminal]

Indeed i was. Stagea's stick out like a sore thumb amongst 10 or so Skylines

Terminal, were you cruising Canberra on Friday night???

around that strip of road where all the cafe's are by any chance?

[Tosh]

yeh we saw you driving past the cafe we walked out of

nice car

[Terminal]

Thanks, it came like that luckily. just needs some suspension/wheels and it'll be set

[Tosh]

cool

[GTRSRULE!!!]

Ja Make HerA young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis.

Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.

Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.

The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"

The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".

A Room Full Of Fluffy ToysA guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.

They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks, ''So, how was I?''

She says, ''Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.''

Waiting On An OrangeA young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma.

The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

Tarzan, The Tree HuggerTarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.

She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

Traffic Cop Retirement HomeAn old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the centre line back there. Can I see your registration please?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no... not the Breathalyzer again!"

[GTRSRULE!!!]

THIS PICTURE IS NOT ANIMATED! ITS YOUR EYES PLAYIN TRICKS

[SiVaK]

way too much time on your hands man haha funny jokes though =]

[red900ss]

A bloke goes into the (Commonwealth Employment Service) CES office in Parramatta for a look through the job vacancies. Which doesn't take him very long, of course.

Then, just as he's about to give up and go away, he spots something. "Wanted", it says. "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $500 a week guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses." Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so the bloke makes a note of the reference number and fronts up at the counter.

"I'd like to apply for this job", he says, "reference number E/784/B46-OP1737AZR2D2."

"Oh, that one," says the CES clerk. "It's a model agency right here in Parramatta. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper. You see, they supply girls who model underwear and swimming outfits and before they go on the catwalk they report to you and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing".

"It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London, that sort of thing. And you have to get used to living in first-class hotels........"

"I reckon I could learn to live with it," says the bloke. "I'd really like to apply for the job." The CES clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a rail ticket to Lithgow".

"Lithgow?" exclaims the bloke. "****ing Lithgow." What do I wanna go to ****ing Lithgow for?"

"Well", says the CES clerk "that's where the end of the queue is at the moment."

[GTRSRULE!!!]

THIS WILL KEEP YOU FROM STEALING

[GTRSRULE!!!]

SIGN FOUND AT BEACH BATHROOM

[GTRSRULE!!!]

HEY I WAS THE ONE GOING FOR A RIDE!

[Frunknmont]

A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church. The reverend told

them,

"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from

sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the

husband obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from

sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.

The Reverend asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was

difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to

abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer,

reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my

Way with her right then and there." Admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,"

stated the Reverend.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at Bunnings either."

[Frunknmont]

WHY IT IS GREAT TO BE A GUY!

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress $2000, Tux rental $100.

Princess Die’s death was just another obituary.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

One mood, all the time - horny

[Frunknmont]

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next

to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of

champagne too!" He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a

special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the

woman.

"What a coincidence." says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked,

"What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist

told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence, says the man. I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my

hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great! says the woman, how did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched ****s." he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

[Frunknmont]

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK....

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of

shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard

to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate

yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn

to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn

word you're saying.

10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and

stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a

damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had

about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your

unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're

an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely

coincidental.

19. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn

off.

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

22. Do I look like a people person?

23. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

24. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

[Frunknmont]

Things you would like to say at work

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

You!... Off my planet!

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.