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A joke for the day

Tosh

By Tosh,
in New South Wales

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Kero Mentor

Kero

Posted
Posted

This is GOLD!!!

Catching sailfish from an inflatable sea kayak !! Fish deagged him out 4miles before he landed it

http://www.southernsailfish.org/video.htm

Direct link to video (may be easier to save to disk first)

http://www.southernsailfish.org/shorthi.wmv (10meg)

Kero Mentor

Kero

Posted
Posted

A GREAT ILLUSION....

If you watch the images below from your seat in front of the computer, Mr. Angry is on the left, and Mrs. Calm is on the right.

Get up from your seat, and move back 12 FEET, and PRESTO!! they switch places!!

I believe this illusion was created by Phillippe G.Schyns and Aude Oliva of the Univ. of Glasgow.

This proves that we may not be seeing what's actually there, all the time

post-3069-1139792286.jpg

Sl!m Grand Master

Sl!m

Posted
Posted
A GREAT ILLUSION....

 

If you watch the images below from your seat in front of the computer, Mr. Angry is on the left, and Mrs. Calm is on the right.

Get up from your seat, and move back  12 FEET, and PRESTO!! they switch places!!

I believe this illusion was created by Phillippe G.Schyns and Aude Oliva of the Univ. of Glasgow.

This proves that we may not be seeing what's actually there, all the time

thats pretty cool.. and it works from just resizing the picture so you dont have to get up :lol:

AdamsR33 Mentor

AdamsR33

Posted
Posted

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be a thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new CORVETTE Z06.

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.

"What are the three tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender.

So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says, " Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink that entire liter of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm.

You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,

"Where ez zat tequila?"

He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.

Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then . . silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says...

"Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

Wink Grand Master

Wink

Posted
Posted

ATO and the Rabbi

the Australian Tax Office sends their auditor to a synagog. The auditor is doing all the checks and turns to the rabbi and says " I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes " answered the rabbi.

"Well rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. " A good question," noted the rabbi. We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them to the candle maker and every now and again, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat dissapointed that his usual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he would go on, in his obnoxious way.

"Rabbi, what about all these matzopurchases? What do you do with all the crumbs from the matzo.?"

"Ah yes," replied the rabbi calmly, "we actually collect all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and again, they send a whole box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the rabbi.

"Well Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too we do not waste," answered the rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the tax office and once a year they send us a complete dick like you."

-----------------------------

AdamsR33 Mentor

AdamsR33

Posted
Posted

Subject: Airline Humor

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs

replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last ...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

Kero Mentor

Kero

Posted
Posted

Gay Bob

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush." "You have AIDS."

Gay Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?".

Doc says, "Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Gay Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

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