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A joke for the day

Tosh

By Tosh,
in New South Wales

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Kero Mentor

Kero

Posted
Posted

Small differences

Do you know the difference between Paris and New York?

post-3069-1148428700.jpg post-3069-1148428732.jpg

Do you know the difference between the Air Force and the Army?

post-3069-1148428801.jpg post-3069-1148428832.jpg

What’s the difference between a french biker and a Morrocan biker?

post-3069-1148428936.jpg

(Here are the original powerpoint presentations)

difference.zip

madmurf Community Regular

madmurf

Posted
Posted

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?"

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the Pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman".

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then bursts into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the Tributes of the masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the Toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.........NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, (3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you?" to which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous." The rabbit says, "Yes I know".

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED!", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman,"what from?"

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

*"Mixin'-me-toasties!"*

sloazr33 Proficient

sloazr33

Posted
Posted (edited)

Seven types of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when

you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the

face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been

with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have

sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been

with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you

usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been

with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway

you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot

stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front

of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the

morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a

little each month. But not enough to live on.

Edited by sloazr33
sloazr33 Proficient

sloazr33

Posted
Posted

IS IT FRIDAY YET ?? ....

THE NEW AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM

Australians all let us rejoice

The weekend now is near

We've worked all bloody week for this

Dear God let's get a beer.

Our desks abound in paperwork

Our hands are stained with ink

In desperate stage, we'll fly the cage

Advance to Friday drinks!!

With joyful strains, destroy our brains

Advaaance to Friiiiday drinks!

sloazr33 Proficient

sloazr33

Posted
Posted

How to give a worming tablet to a cat.

1. Gently pick your cat up, and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as

you would a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb either side of the

cats jaw and gently apply pressure. When the cat opens it's mouth, pop in

the pill. Close the cats mouth, and allow it to swallow.

2. Pick up the pill from the floor, and get the cat from behind the

sofa. Cradle cat in left arm again, and repeat the process.

3. Retrieve the cat from the bedroom, and throw away the soggy pill.

4. Take a new pill from the foil wrapping, cradle cat tightly in left

arm whilst holding the cats rear paws tightly with your left hand. Force

the little bastard's jaw open and push pill to the back of its throat with

right

forefinger. Hold shut the cats mouth for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve the pill from the goldfish bowl and the cat from the top

of the wardrobe. Call in the partner from the garden.

6. Kneel on the floor with the cat wedged tightly between your knees.

Hold the front & rear paws ignoring the low growls emitted by the

trapped cat. Get spouse to hold the cats head firmly with one hand,

whilst forcing a wooden ruler between the cats clenched teeth. Drop the

pill down the ruler into the cats throat, and rub the cats throat

vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from the curtain rail, get another pill whilst making

a note to buy a stronger ruler and to repair curtains & rail.Carefully

sweep up the shattered figurines, vases & Wedgwood from the hearth and

set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel, and get spouse to lie on cat with its

head just visible beneath his/her armpit. Stick pill on the end of a

drinking straw, force the cats mouth open with a pencil, stick the straw

deep into the cats mouth and blow hard down the straw.

9. Check the label on the pills to make sure they are not harmful to

humans & drink 1 glass of beer to take the taste away. Apply Band-Aid

and savlon to spouses forearm & remove bloodstains from the carpet with

cold water & soap.

10. Retrieve the cat from the neighbours shed, get another pill &

open another beer. Place the cat in kitchen cupboard, and close the door

on its neck leaving its head showing. Force open the cats mouth with a

dessert spoon & shoot the pill down its throat with a rubber band.

11. Get screwdriver from garage & put cupboard door back on its

hinges. Drink another beer. Pour stiff shot of scotch & drink. Apply

cold compress to wounds and disinfect. Toss back another stiff slug,

throw tattered shirt away, and get new one from bedroom.

12. Ring the fire brigade to retrieve the frigging cat from the tree

next door & apologise to neighbour who crashed their car whilst

swerving to avoid the stupid bleeding moggy as it hared across the road.

Take the last pill from the foil wrapping.

13. Tie the little bastards front paws to its rear paws with garden

twine and bind it tightly to the leg of the dining table. Find heavy

duty thorn proof leather gardening gloves from the shed. Force open the

bastards mouth, and push pill deep into the cats mouth followed by a

large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it! Hold its head

vertically, and pour 2 pints of water down its effing throat to wash

the pill down

14. Consume remainder of scotch whilst your partner drives you to

Accident & Emergency. Sit quietly while doctor stitches your wounds &

removes the remnants of the pill from your right eye. Stop by furniture

shop on the way home to order new 3 piece & dining suite.

15. Buy a dog!

16. How to give a dog a pill?????????

17. Wrap it in bacon!

Kero Mentor

Kero

Posted
Posted

**** ANTHONY MUNDINE GRILL ******

YOU HAVE ALL HEARD OF THE "GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL" AS SEEN ON TV

WE NOW PRESENT YOU WITH THE NEW AND IMPROVED "ANTHONY MUNDINE GRILL"

AVAILABLE AT KMART, COLES & TARGET

Hurry while stocks last!!!!

post-3069-1148598351.jpg

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