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Tosh

By Tosh,
in New South Wales

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madmurf Community Regular

madmurf

Posted
Posted

>Subject: Morning Humour

>

> The following letter was sent to a long time patron of a local Target

>store.

>After receiving this letter, she vowed that she would NEVER take her

>husband shopping with her again! ! !

>

>January 12, 2006

>

>Re: Mr. Bill Fenton

>Multiple Complaints

>

>Dear Mrs. Fenton,

>

>Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing

>quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior

>and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our

>stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance

>equipment.

>

>Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband

>has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are

>listed below.

>

>15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:

>1. June 15: Took 4 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's

>carts when they weren't looking.

>

>2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

>intervals.

>

>3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

>restrooms.

>

>4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,

>'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

>

>5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on

>layaway.

>

>6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

>

>7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other

>shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding

>department.

>

>8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry

>and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

>9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,

>and picked his nose.

>

>10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the

>clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

>

>11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the

>"Mission Impossible" theme.

>

>12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"

>using different size funnels.

>

>13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,

>yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

>

>14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he

>assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices

>again!!!!"

>

>(And; last, but not least!)

>15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a

>while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

>

>

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madmurf Community Regular

madmurf

Posted
Posted

Dear Napisan,

>

>I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have ! I've used it since

>the beginning of my married life, when my Mum told me it was the best. Now

>that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In

>fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My

>unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was

>and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

>

>One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white

>blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just

>wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a

>bottle of liquid Napisan with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and

>satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so

>well, that when the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA

>tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that

>I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my

>husband. What a relief I thank you, once again, for having such a great

>product.

>

>Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Glad Bag people...

>

>

>Signed,

>

>

>A Relieved Menopausal Wife

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Wink Grand Master

Wink

Posted
Posted

The morning after

A guy wakes up in the morning with the most terrible hangover ever. When he finally manages to open both his eyes, the first he sees is a tube of aspirin tablets and a glass of water on the bedside table. He sits on the edge of the bed and there are his clothes, neatly folded and set. He then takes a look around the room and notices that everything is perfectly clean and neat.

He takes some aspirin and sees a post-it note left on the table:

"Darling, your breakfast is ready in the kitchen. I love you."

The guy is surprised and does not really know what to think. He heads for the kitchen only to find his breakfast ready and smelling good with the newspaper next to his bowl on the table. His son is at the table too, having his breakfast.

The man says: "Son, what exactly happened yesterday?"

The son: "Oh well, you came back home totally wasted at about 3:00am. You accidentally hit and broke some furniture, threw up in the corridor, punched mum in the face thinking that you were being attacked by wolves..."

The dad: "Then how do you explain that everything is cleaned up and neat and breakfast and all the rest is taken care of?"

The son: "Well, when mum dragged you to the bedroom to put you in bed and tried to take off your pants, you told her : get off me and leave me alone bitch, I am married."

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Patto- Mentor

Patto-

Posted
Posted

Super 14 Quotes of the year

"Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a

guy like Norman Einstein." - Scott Hamilton

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it

takes." - Andy Ellis on University

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys

pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." -

Robbie deans

Chris Jack on whether he had visited the Pyramids during

his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of

the clubs that we went to."

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning

regardless of what time it is." - Robbie Deans on Rueben

Thorne

Kevin Senio, on Night Rugby vs Day Games "It's basically

the same, just darker."

Robby Deans talking about Caleb Ralph "I told him, 'Son,

what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said,

'Robbie, I don't know and I don't care.'

Dan Carter when asked about the upcoming season: "I want

to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes

first."

"Andy Ellis - the 21 year old , who turned 22 a few weeks

ago" (Murray Mexted)

"Robbie has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a

calculator." (Dan Carter)

"He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against

the run of play." (Murray Mexted)

"We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end

but then they scored." (Phil Waugh)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my

body." (Andy Ellis)

"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before

it which was identical." (Dan Carter)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and

father." (Dan Carter)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but

none of them serious." (Doc Mayhew)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect

the same thing again." (Robby Deans)

"I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in

the Super 14, but there are none better." (Murray Mexted)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the

habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Ewan McKenzie)

Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your

autobiography?" Chris Jack: "On what ?"

“Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Murray Mexted)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang

in the air for even longer." (Murray Mexted)

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madmurf Community Regular

madmurf

Posted
Posted

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During

>the

> inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them

>possessed

> incredibly long, oversized penises.

> "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

> "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

> "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason

>for your

> elongated penises?" "No, sir, our mother."

> "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

> "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when

>it came

> to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

>

>

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madmurf Community Regular

madmurf

Posted
Posted

> Dear Dr.Phil,

>

>

>

>

>

>

> When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my

>favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and

>tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally,

>one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner

>who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became

>fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not

>only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time

>fishing.

> A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only

>did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes

>later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam

>holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the

>wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't

>want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I

>think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do?

>Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell

>the boat as she insists?

>

>

>

> Thanks,

>

>

> PS Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> "Dear Fisherman, Get rid of that narrow minded wife.

> That's a nice pair of bass!"

>

>

> DR Phil

>

>

>

>

>

post-14130-1149561316.jpg

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madmurf Community Regular

madmurf

Posted
Posted

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

>

> Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

>

> Customer says, "Female"

>

> Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

>

> Customer says, "White"

>

> Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

>

> Customer says, "What the hell d oes religion have to do with it?"

>

> Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

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