Jump to content
SAU Community

Recommended Posts

Excerpts from Medical Records:

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records, as

dictated by physicians......

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was

very hot in bed last night.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a

stock broker instead.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical

therapy.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she

got a divorce.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr.Smith, who felt we should sit on

the abdomen and I agree.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was

feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had

completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be

depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but

forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant,

with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate

directions in early December.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane

ran out of gas and crashed.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

  • Replies 1.7k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

A women goes into the labor delivery room, happy that her hard 9 months is over. After a simple, quick and easy birth, the doctor yells out! "It's a boy!" and procedes to throw the baby over to the nurse. He whips out an old rusty knife and chops the umbilical cord. The Nurse feints left, fients right, all the while holding the baby like it is a football.

"What are you doing! That's my baby! What...NO! Stop! Give me my baby!" The woman screams.

The nurse finally makes her move on the doctor, but he is too quick for her. He slaps the baby out of her hands, and it falls with a sickening crunch on the floor. He picks the baby up, runs across the room, reaches the other side, and yells "TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!!!"

"MY BABY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! MY BABY NOOOOOOO!!!"

The doctor spikes the young helpess child on the floor directly onto it's head. The baby's brains splatter all over the doctor, the nurse, the mother, all over the room.

"My baby! You killed my baby!"

"APRILS FOOLS BITCH YOUR BABY WAS ALREADY DEAD."

this is my ALL TIME FAVOURITE

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative

B) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity

B) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

B) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

co-ordination. I'd hate to look a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now



  • Similar Content

  • Latest Posts

    • For once a good news  It needed to be adjusted by that one nut and it is ok  At least something was easy But thank you very much for help. But a small issue is now(gearbox) that when the car is stationary you can hear "clinking" from gearbox so some of the bearing is 100% not that happy... It goes away once you push clutch so it is 100% gearbox. Just if you know...what that bearing could be? It sounding like "spun bearing" but it is louder.
    • Yeah, that's fine**. But the numbers you came up with are just wrong. Try it for yourself. Put in any voltage from the possible range and see what result you get. You get nonsense. ** When I say "fine", I mean, it's still shit. The very simple linear formula (slope & intercept) is shit for a sensor with a non-linear response. This is the curve, from your data above. Look at the CURVE! It's only really linear between about 30 and 90 °C. And if you used only that range to define a curve, it would be great. But you would go more and more wrong as you went to higher temps. And that is why the slope & intercept found when you use 50 and 150 as the end points is so bad halfway between those points. The real curve is a long way below the linear curve which just zips straight between the end points, like this one. You could probably use the same slope and a lower intercept, to move that straight line down, and spread the error out. But you would 5-10°C off in a lot of places. You'd need to say what temperature range you really wanted to be most right - say, 100 to 130, and plop the line closest to teh real curve in that region, which would make it quite wrong down at the lower temperatures. Let me just say that HPTuners are not being realistic in only allowing for a simple linear curve. 
    • I feel I should re-iterate. The above picture is the only option available in the software and the blurb from HP Tuners I quoted earlier is the only way to add data to it and that's the description they offer as to how to figure it out. The only fields available is the blank box after (Input/ ) and the box right before = Output. Those are the only numbers that can be entered.
    • No, your formula is arse backwards. Mine is totally different to yours, and is the one I said was bang on at 50 and 150. I'll put your data into Excel (actually it already is, chart it and fit a linear fit to it, aiming to make it evenly wrong across the whole span. But not now. Other things to do first.
    • God damnit. The only option I actually have in the software is the one that is screenshotted. I am glad that I at least got it right... for those two points. Would it actually change anything if I chose/used 80C and 120C as the two points instead? My brain wants to imagine the formula put into HPtuners would be the same equation, otherwise none of this makes sense to me, unless: 1) The formula you put into VCM Scanner/HPTuners is always linear 2) The two points/input pairs are only arbitrary to choose (as the documentation implies) IF the actual scaling of the sensor is linear. then 3) If the scaling is not linear, the two points you choose matter a great deal, because the formula will draw a line between those two points only.
×
×
  • Create New...