A joke for the day

[Majanal]

Shush you!!!!!

hehe

[Kero]

2004 New Employee Rules & Regulations

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a pay rise.

If you dress just right,

you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go tothe doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30

minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

[Kero]

There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table.

The little children (naughty rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into

Grandpa's drink.

After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom.

When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.

"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.

"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom to pee. So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back.

[Kero]

My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00...now it was somewhere around $60.00

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me.?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... The part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given...)

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

(After they get the fax.)

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"

Me: "Oh..." CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery (### Hwy 129 and plot number given.)

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

[Kero]

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating to 160 km/h.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo doing one hundred and sixty km/h.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

[Jimbo2000]

"'Would you like her new billing address?"

[Kero]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said, "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

--------------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks,

"Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

__________________________________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

___________________________________________________________________

The investigation of Martha Stewart continues.

Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.

__________________________________________________________________

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks,

"How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies,

"Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

___________________________________________________________________

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

_______________________________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

___________________________________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.

It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

___________________________________________________________________

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards.

[Kero]

pretty good..

[Kero]

Unintentional Humor

[dojobi]

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome

prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night

of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why,

just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men

before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was

walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out

from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my

bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp.

And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

[CroatianDlite]

Driving licence - can I see some photo ID???

the scariest thing about this photo id thing - is that its in CROATIA arrghhh!!!

[CroatianDlite]

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into this world, she should retain custody of him.

The man also wanted custody of his child. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

[shaolin]

The top 10 things we want to hear Samuel L. Jackson's Jedi-master character to say in the new Star Wars prequel:

10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the mother****in' droids you're looking for.

9. Womprat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy mother****er.

8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every mother****in' stormtrooper in the room...accept no substitutes.

7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the **** we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tatooine.

6. Feel the Force, mother****er.

5. What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What?

4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!

3. Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?

1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Mother ****er."

[shaolin]

This was taken from the Alameda County District Attorney's Office publication "The Point of View"

In a murder trial, the defence attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what happened:

ATTORNEY: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

CORONER: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you listen to the heart?

CORONER: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

CORONER: No.

ATTORNEY: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

CORONER: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practising law somewhere.

[shaolin]

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains, and bodily functions.

One seventy-year-old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty-year-old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety-year-old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."

[shaolin]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,

"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,

"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want. "

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[shaolin]

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

[shaolin]

"An Engineer and His Frog"

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's really cool."

[Jimbo2000]

OK, the story behind this is... There's this nutball who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway... here's a letter from the Smithsonian Institute to this man who sent the Institute one of his 'major finds'.

From:

Paleoanthropology Division

Smithsonian Institute

207 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe

Curator, Antiquities

[Kero]

How to spot a rich guy