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A joke for the day

Tosh

By Tosh,
in New South Wales

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^De_LiL_Devil^ Contributor

^De_LiL_Devil^

Posted
Posted

not sure if u heard this one but any way

Lizard is in a bar drunk as anything and starts big mouthin "i can take u all on give me ur best shot" etc etc

so a bear walks up to him and says "mate just calm down"

lizard tells him to make him so they go out the back and have a huge punch up. lizard walks back in bear dont.

anyway .. lizard starts up again so this time a lion tells him to calm down and the lizards like "Make me"

so they go out the back lion pulls up his fur and turns to find the lizard.

Lizard walks up with a huge monstrous T-Rex follwoing him. lizard points to the T-Rex and says "meet my cousin"

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Patto- Mentor

Patto-

Posted
Posted

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients & felt guilty all day

long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The

guilt & sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while

he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner

to sleep with one of their patients, you won't be the last, & you are

single. Just let it go.."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to

reality,

Whispering ......

"Dave ........

.............you're a vet."

Patto- Mentor

Patto-

Posted
Posted

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

FACTS

1. Japanese eat very little fat, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

3. Africans drink very little red wine, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

BazaR33 Collaborator

BazaR33

Posted
Posted

The lone ranger and Tonto are out riding on the planes one day when Tonto gets down off his horse and puts his ear to the ground and sayas "buffalo come!"

The lone ranger asks him "how can you tell?"

Tonto replies "face sticky!!"

shaolin Grand Master

shaolin

Posted
Posted

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the plains one day, when Tonto suddenly cocked his ear at a passing falcoln's cry. "Kemosabe... Apache to East!" he whispered.

The Lone Ranger looked to his faithful companion. "What do we do?"

Tonto pondered a moment. "We ride West!"

After riding a short while, Tonto again paused, searching the horizon with his eagle-sharp eyes. "Kemosabe... Apache to West!"

The Masked Man looked once again at his friend. "What should we do?"

Tonto scratched his head in thought. "We ride North!"

After a brief ride, Tonto stopped to scent the breeze. "Kemosabe... Apache to North!"

"What do we do now?" his companion asked.

Without hesitation, Tonto replied, "We ride South!"

Within minutes, Tonto reigned in his horse and dropped to the ground. Placing his ear to the earth, he listened intently. "Kemosabe... Apache to South!"

Worried, the Lone One asked him, "NOW what do we do?"

Tonto thought hard for a moment, his eyes squinting in concentration. Then his face lit up. "What do you mean "WE", White Man?"

shaolin Grand Master

shaolin

Posted
Posted

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rode into town. It was hot, so they stopped at the saloon for a drink. After a few minutes, someone came in and said, "Who does that white horse out there belong to?"

"Why, that's my horse, stranger," said the Lone Ranger.

"I just thought I'd let you know that your horse is sweating up a storm out there. He's been ridden pretty hard, and if you don't cool him down proper, he's going to turn sick on you."

"Tonto, you know what to do. Could you take care of Silver for me?"

"Alright, Kemosabe." And Tonto went out and started running in circles around Silver, waving his arms back and forth as he ran. (An old Indian trick for cooling a horse off, don't ya know.)

A few minutes later another man came into the saloon and asked, "Who does that white horse belong to?"

"Why, stranger, that's my horse," answered the Lone Ranger.

"Well," said the man, "you left your Injun running!"

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