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>>Helen Clarke, Prime Munusta of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by

the

>>telephone.

>>

>>"Hillen, its the Hilth Munusta here. Sorry to bother you at this hour

but

>>there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory

en

>>Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New

>>Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

>>

>>PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those

unwanted

>>babies - wi'll be ruined!"

>>

>>Hilth Munusta: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad...

>>Brutain?..."

>>

>>PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

>>

>>Hilth Munusta: "What about Australia?"

>>

>>PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

>>

>>Hilth Munusta: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one mullion

>>condoms; tun enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know

how

>>bug the Kiwis really are!!"

>>

>>Hillen calls John, who agrees to hulp the Kiwis out in their hour of

need.

>>

>>Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A

delighted

>>Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches

long; 8

>>unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small

>>writing on each and ivery one.........

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

>>

>>Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy

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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them areDaddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that poofter sh*t in our garden" she said.

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A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!" The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened." An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked. The lady said " That Son-Of-A-Bitch had $500 in 20 cent pieces"

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>> Hello?"

>>

>> "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

>>

>> "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"

>>

>> After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an

>> Uncle Paul."

>>

>> "Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

>>

>> ...... Brief Pause

>>

>> "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down

>>on

>> the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout

>>

>> to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

>>

>> "Okay Daddy, just a minute"

>>

>> A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

>>

>> "I did it Daddy"

>>

>> "And what happened honey?" he asked

>>

>> "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on

>> and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her

>>head on

>> the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

>>

>> "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

>>

>> "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all

>>scared

>> and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.

>>But I

>> guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to

>>clean it. He hit

>> the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

>>

>> ***Long Pause***

>>

>> ****Longer Pause****

>>

>> Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool... ?? ...... Is this 9486-5731?"

>>

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  • 2 weeks later...

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good son of rajab! He's done it again!"

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Mal calls his friend Bob the horse breeder and says he is sending someone over to look at a horse.

Bob asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy" Mal says, "He's a midget with a speech impediment"

So, the midget shows up, and Bob the horse breeder asks him if he's looking for a male or a female horse.

"A female horth" says the midget.

So Bob shows him a prize mare.

"Nithe lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? asks the midget.

Bob picks him up and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nithe eyeth, can I see her earzth"?

So Bob picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nithe earzth, can I see her mouwf"?

Bob is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks the midget up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouwf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad by now, Bob grabs midget up under the arms and rams his head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, spluttering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should wephwase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

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This fellow owned one of those really big outback farms , one of his fences were broken so he went and grabbed one of his workers and sent him out to fix it. The boss was abit worried about this worker as he was only new and the broken fence was over an hour away so he threw him a 2-way and said "if u have any problems just give me a call". About 40mins pass and then the boss gets a call on the 2-way..."Oh f**k boss im so sorry"..."what happen"..."oh gees boss i was just driving along and i hit a pig in your truck , its done some damage and the pig is stuck in the bullbar his squeeling and trying to bite me whenever i try to get him out , I cant go any where until I get him out of the bullbar"...."look mate" said the boss..."this stuff happen every day in the bush , there is a .303 behind the seat get it out , shoot the pig get him out of the bullbar and go fix that fence"..."not a problem boss I can do that". About 10mins pass and the boss gets another call.."boss, U there boss"..."What the hell u want now" yells the boss"..."I got the gun like U told me to and I shot the pig and i got him out of the bullbar".."so what the problem now" asked the boss ..."well his motorbike is still stuck under the truck.

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It's a year after Cinderella and Prince Charming married (after the whole glass slipper/dance at the ball deal). Cinderella has grown tired of ol' Princy,and has been racking up the royal Mastercard,putting big miles on the royal chariot,and most alarmingly,sleeping around with whomever she feels like. After a particularly large night of whoring-it-up,Cinderella comes home at 5 a.m. to find her Fairy Godmother standing at the door,frowning at her disapprovingly.

"Cinderella,if you don't stop sleeping around,I'll have to do something very drastic to change your ways!" says Fairy Godmother.

"Whatever!" Cinderella replies,rolling her eyes as she heads for a Berocca...

After another week of random rogering,Fairy Godmother appears again,and bails Sinderella up. "Right!" she bellows "I've had your broad minded persony ways!!" and WHOOSH:she casts a spell that turns Cinderella's private parts into a pumpkin! Cinderella is shocked;she can't even offer a reply or plea. "That should teach you a lesson!" says F. Godmother as she vanishes,happy to know her God daughter can't play around any more.

A mere 24 hours later,and Cinderella is wobbling back into the Palace doors,looking very dishevelled and just a bit happy about something. Magically,the Godmother appears to see what's going on...

"I thought I put a stop to your ways,Cinderella;why are you looking so pleased?" she asks.

Cinderella,with a dreamy look upon her face,could only reply"I've just met Peter Peter..."

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A businessman sends a fax to his wife:

“To My Dear Wife”,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Motel.

Please don’t be perturbed – I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home he found the following letter on the dining room table:

“My Dear Husband”,

I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to

Inform you that while you are reading this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old.

As a successful business man and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation – although with one small difference,

18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow!!!!.

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A woman was on a plane arriving in Australia after having had a shopping

holiday in Asia. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom, after

several hours of conversation she finally got up the nerve to ask, "Excuse

me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"I have this problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover

gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone

over the declaration limits and I’m worried that they will confiscate it

at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realise that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any

questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover machine'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination.

When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked: "Father, do you

have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he

replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked: "And from the sash

down, what do you have?"

The priest replied: "I have there a marvellous little instrument destined

for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said: "Go ahead Father.

"Next!"

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