Funnys!

[race_snooze]

ill do the sergery with Leigh, nice and cheap. lol

[leech_]

haha done

[tridentt150v]

Hope this works.............

[race_snooze]

that crack me right up, poor old guys hope he got it sorted

[race_snooze]

when wow meets porn, completely work safe, need sound but

http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=lr_HR-i...%20meets%20porn

Edited December 23, 2005 by race_snooze

[Frink]

hhhmmmmm........

[Bullet32]

An Irish father catches his son one day snorting a line of crack in his bedroom, the father screams at the son "If I ever catch you doing that again Ill rub your nose in it!!!"

[LTSJayce]

Two families move from Pakistan to Australia.

> >

> > When they arrive the two fathers make a bet. In a year's time

> > whichever

> > family has become more Australian will win.

> >

> > A year later they meet again:

> >

> > The first man says, "I have changed my name to Trevor, my son is

> > playing

> > AFL, I had a meat pie with sauce for breakfast and I'm just about to

> > jump in

> > my Commodore and go to the pub to pick up a slab of VB, how about

> > you?"

> >

> > The second man replies...

> >

> > "F*ck off towelhead

[LTSJayce]

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and

they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the

form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat

haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon

rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy

nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect

of food. As he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of

machine gun fire and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying

Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a

Bacon tree, ees a ham bush....

[LTSJayce]

1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it .

>

>2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

>

>3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

>

>4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

>

>5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

>

>6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

>

>7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

>

>8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

>

>9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

>

>10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

>

>11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

>

>12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."

>

>13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

>"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

>

>14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." ..."How's that?" "Don't you start.."

>

>15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

>

>16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

>

>17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

>

>18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad,or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

>

>19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

>

>20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

>

>21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

>

>22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

>

>23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night...

[LTSJayce]

This is (supposed to be) an actual job application that a 75 year old

> >senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. (They hired him

> >because he was

so

> >funny)

> >

> >NAME: George Martin

> >

> >SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least,

> >one

who

> >ll cooperate).

> >

> >DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But

> >seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky,

> >I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

> >

> >DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael

> >Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer

> >and we can

haggle.

> >

> >EDUCATION: Yes.

> >

> >LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

> >

> >PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

> >

> >MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and

> >post-it notes.

> >

> >REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

> >

> >HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

> >

> >PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday,Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU

> >HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more

> >intimate environment.

> >

> >MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

> >

> >DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM

> >LIFTING

UP

> >TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

> >

> >DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would

> >be

"Do

> >you have a car that runs?"

> >

> >HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already

> >be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they

> >tell

me.

> >

> >DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no.

> >

> >WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas

with

> >a

> >fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the

greatest

> >thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

> >

> >DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF

> >YOUR

> >KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

> >

> >SIGN HERE: Aries ????

[LTSJayce]

>Human Resource Complaint

>

>A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to

>her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that

>her hair smells nice.

>After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her

>complaint to a supervisor in Human Resources. Without identifying the

>guy, she explains what her co-worker does and states that she wants to

>file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

>The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this request and asks,

>"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair

smells nice?

>The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget."

[LTSJayce]

Lines From the (Edinburgh) Fringe Festival ...

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself. (Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance)

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. (Susan Murray at the Underbelly)

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? (Adam Bloom at the Pleasance)

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twit. (Susan Murray at the Underbelly)

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done." (Jimmy Carr at the ICC)

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

(Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms)

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. (Jimmy Carr at the ICC)

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ...

Self-raising?" (Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms)

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. (Jeremy Limb, at the Trap)

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. (Jimmy

Carr)

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". (Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the

Tron)

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ... (Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco)

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. (Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance)

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. (Demetri Martin at the Assembly

Rooms)

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. (Chris Addison at the Pleasance)

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. (Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon)

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well. (Scott Capurro at the Pleasance)

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber?". (Steven Alan Green at

C34)

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. (Brendon Burns at the Pleasance)

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!" (Norman Lovett at The Stand)

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. (Chris Addison at the

Pleasance)

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. (Arnold Brown at The Stand)

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. (Milton Jones at the Underbelly)

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:

"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"

(Arnold Brown at The Stand)

[LTSJayce]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were

swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called

Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened

by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated

at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any

worries about being eaten..."

>>

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious

cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin

turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away,

Afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself

becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam

away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause

of His sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the

mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish

>> >could Change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so,

>> >lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

>> >With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his

>> >friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not

>> >involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the

>> >gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's

>> >Christian?"

>> >he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed

>> >sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put

>> >things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to

Christian's house.

>>

>> >As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He

>> >banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out

>> >and see me again."

>> >Christian replied "No way, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy

>> >and I'll not be tricked. "

>> >Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've

changed."...(wait for it) . .

>>

>> >

>> >*

>>

>> >*

>>

>> >*

>>

>> >*

>>

>> >*

>>

>> >*

>>

>> >*

>>

>> >*

>>

>> >*

>>

>> >*

>>

>> >......"I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian".

[LTSJayce]

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there really was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a ghostly voice saying, "Maude. Maude ... "

"Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room

The voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."

"What's it like, John?" Maude asked.

John said, "Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a while and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty much all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"

"Not exactly," John said. "I'm a rabbit somewhere near Dubbo."

[LTSJayce]

News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of

the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old.

Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last

evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and

going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was

alone at the time of his death.

An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical

Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute

cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he

kept coming, and coming, and coming...

[LTSJayce]

The boss was in quandary. Times were hard and he had to get rid of a member of staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. Unable to make a rational choice, he decided that whoever used the water cooler first in the morning would have to go. The next morning, Debra arrived with a huge hang-over from partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water and take some aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."

[djhatton]

post wh0re.

d

[SKYLVIA]

god dayum jayce i read the first 4 posts then i just gave up... my eyes are hurting, time to go rest.

[LTSJayce]

post wh0re.

d

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Why,thankyou! (Blushes,takes a bow...)