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Full Toss - an involuntary motion best produced behind a bush outside the ground rather than over the lad in front of you

Duck - a quick lowering of the head and shoulders on hearing the opening moves of the Full Toss (see above) behind you

Silly Point - a Kaftan wearer trying to explain the rules of the game to a lad

Leg Slip - a fault in getting up after drinking one’s way through a full match

First Eleven - one short of the first dozen knocked off at the end of the first innings

Extra Cover - raincoat or plastic sheet held above head. (see also Duck and Full Toss above)

Gully - Scottish lad’s word for Sheila

Pitch - apparent movement of the field seen towards the end of the second eleven ( see First Eleven above)

Bail - money required to release lads for the rest of the weekend after being escorted from the field

Wicket - Bad Lad

Extra Fine Leg - bit of a Sheila seen three rows above the lads

Bowler - hat worn by English Kaftan wearers

Forward Short Leg - lavatory talk for relieving ones self

Dismissal - look given by Sheila three rows above (see Extra Fine Leg)

Keeper - advice given to a Kaftan wearer on what he can do with his Sheila

Member’s Stand - reaction to a decent Sheila walking past

A Bye - dozen cans purchased before the game

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw f**k you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games

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