Jokes!

[TALBO]

^LOL

[Benzino33]

Cheaters Jokes

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying b *astard!

You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home.

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

[Benzino33]

Im assuming it was done a fair while ago. otherwise the cost of the kit would be more than the diff between the R33 and the honda.

gangsta rated #3 on webpage

http://www.cardomain.com/ride/3297153

that jus looks likea VP commodore,,and i have no comment about those shyte boxes

[RubyRS4]

that jus looks likea VP commodore,,and i have no comment about those shyte boxes

That aint no VP Commodore. Its white. Thats about it.

[bezender]

looks like a vq stato

/vom

[RubyRS4]

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope

with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and

you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,

tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older

than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the

whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt

anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people

that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can

get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a

report card That's in my center desk drawer.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

[Krishy]

hahahah now thats gold ruby ^^^^

good thinking kido hehe

[Damo_R34]

couple from Zoo:

A man hits a woman with a car. Whos fault is it?

The man's, why was he driving in the kitchen?

Two Mexican cops were investigating the death of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was the victim killed?" asks one detective.

"With a golf gun", the other replies.

"A golf gun? Whats a golf gun?"

"Ive got no idea, but it sure made a hole in Juan."

A young boy is standing at the edge of a cliff, crying his eyes out.

A Catholic priest walks past and, seeing the boy, asks, "Whats wrong, my child?"

"My mother and father were in the car and it rolled off the cliff. It exploded and they died, and i have no way of getting home!"

The priest looks around and, as he's unbuttoning his pants, says "This really isn't your day is it, my son?"

A doctor is examining a seriously ill woman who has been rushed to the hospital by her husband.

He takes him to one side and says to him grimly "im afraid i don't like the look of your wife at all, sir"

"Me neither, doc", says the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the children"

[levizzle]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick, duh

[Damo_R34]

this section is for funny jokes.

[scandyflick]

so i probably shouldnt bust out a rickroll?

no? just checking.

[Damo_R34]

i think most people have wised up to the rick roll process feel free to do it again for those who haven't quite caught on.

[scandyflick]

awesome. i has permission.

[RubyRS4]

awesome. i has permission.

[Damo_R34]

lol, Carl Baron at Melbourne comedy festival, funny shit

[scandyflick]

could at least make an effort damo.

[Carbon 34]

That aint no VP Commodore. Its white. Thats about it.

its a chevy impala, caprice model,,,, which means its prob a ex cop car from states auctions , land barge shite box with 5.7 liter engine and a boot big enough to hold a boat load of illegal immigrants ,golf clubs, and a big tool box for when it breaks down....oh and 5 liters of oil....it leaks it so fast you dont need to change it...haha

[Ripp3r]

there was a boy who just came home from school one day and his mum asked "what did you do at school today son."

"I had sex with the teacher" this made mum furious and told the boy to go to his room and wait for his dad to come home.

When the dad came home mum told him "you'd better go see your son".

Dad went in the room and asked what happened.

"I had sex with the teacher." the father said he was proud of him and women just don't understand that its cool and im so proud of you. Now im gonna go buy you the best looking bike ever.

They went and chose the the best bike there was and then father said "do you want to ride it?".

The son replied "i would but ass still hurts"

[Krishy]

this thread needs to be revived

A penguin was driving his car down the highway when steam began to pour out of the hood. He pulled into a repair shop and asked the mechanic to fix his car. The man said to come back in half an hour. So while he waited the penguin went across the street to the bar, and ordered a glass of milk. Since penguins don't have hands to hold glasses, he spilled some milk on his beak. When he returned to the mechanic, he asked what was wrong with his car. The mechanic said it looked like he blew a seal.

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

[nicr4wks]

this thread needs to be revived

Agreed!

40 Aboriginals arrive at the Pearly Gates 

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 Aboriginals here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over the quota on Abo’s. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy,

and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the f*&^%$g gates'.

YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN...

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your junior prom offered day care.

You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

When you take the dog for a walk at night, you both use the same tree.

Edited September 9, 2009 by nicr4wks