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A joke for the day

Tosh

By Tosh,
in New South Wales

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Patto- Mentor

Patto-

Posted
Posted

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Bankstown and, trying

to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that

she is a Bulldogs fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Bulldogs fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't

you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan,

then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Sea Eagles fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could

not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Sea Eagles fan?"

Mary then replied "Because my mum and dad are from Dee Why, and so my

mum is a Sea Eagles fan and my dad is a Sea Eagles fan, so I'm a Sea

Eagles fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no

reason for you to be a Sea Eagles fan. You don't have to be just like

your parents all of the time.

What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your

brother was a pack rapist, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."

Patto- Mentor

Patto-

Posted
Posted

Subject: life as we know it

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at

anyone who comes In or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How

about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you

a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for t! wenty years?

That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like

the Dog did?" And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You

must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the

sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I

will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me

to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other

forty?" And God agreed again.

On the fo! urth day, God created man and said: "Eat,

sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty

years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog Gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep,

play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to

support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain

>the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

madmurf Community Regular

madmurf

Posted
Posted

>

> Smart boss + smart employee = profit

> Smart boss + dumb employee = production

> Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

> Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

> _____________________________

>

>

>

>

> SHOPPING MATH

>

> A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

> A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

> _____________________________

>

>

>

>

> GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

>

> A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

> A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

> A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

> A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

> _____________________________

>

>

>

>

> HAPPINESS

>

> To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a

>little.

> To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to

>understand her at all.

> ______________________________

>

>

>

>

> LONGEVITY

>

> Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot

>more willing to die.

> ______________________________

>

>

>

>

> PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

>

> A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

> _____________________________

>

>

>

>

> DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

>

> A woman has the last word in any argument.

> Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

> _____________________________

>

> HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

> Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and

>cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the

>same thing to them at funerals.

>

madmurf Community Regular

madmurf

Posted
Posted

A virile, young Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his

>favorite

> > bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

> > Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his

>apartment

> > and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled

> > her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So,

>you

> > finish?"

> > She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

> > Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she

> > thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally

> > ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

> > Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him

> > and softly says, "No."

> > Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches

> > for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely

>manages

> > it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the

>bed

> > sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to

>turn

> > his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You

> > finish?"

> > Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, 'm

> > Norwegian.

madmurf Community Regular

madmurf

Posted
Posted

Poorly Thought-out Web Addresses

) Who Represents? - a database for agencies to the rich and famous:

> >

> >http://www.whorepresents.com

> >

> >2) Experts Exchange - a knowledge base where programmers can exchange

> >advice and views:

> >

> >http://www.expertsexchange.com

> >

> >3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:

> >

> >http://www.penisland.net

> >

> >4) Need a therapist?

> >

> >http://www.therapistfinder.com

> >

> >5 ) Gas & central heating anyone?

> >

> >http://www.gasheating.co.uk

> >

> >6 ) New to Italy - and you need electric light? Why not sign up

>on-line

> >with Power-Gen?

> >

> >http://www.powergenitalia.com/

madmurf Community Regular

madmurf

Posted
Posted

Joke of the Day

>Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a

>Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He thinks to himself,

>This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights

>and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are

>five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide

>eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him

>"Officer, I don't understand,

>I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

>"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know

>that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other

>drivers."

>"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit

>exactly... Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bit

>proudly.

>The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22

>was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman

>grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

>"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car

>OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this

>whole time," the officer asks.

>"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway

>189."

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