Funnys!

[LTSJayce]

A scientist, who was successful in cloning himself, was asked to speak at a national scientific convention of cloning.

The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a skyscraper.

The scientist arrived with his clone and he proceeded to the podium, while the clone sat at the end of the head table.

The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.

"My fellow scientists," he began.

But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out,"He's an asshole!".

The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone,"Sit down and shut-up!"

Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again,"My fellow scientists ..."

Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "This dumb ass couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent son-of-a-bitch!"

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him. and threw him out of the window.

A short while later the police arrived and were told of the events that had transpired.

The police chief thought about it for a while, and finally said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you."

The shocked scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person."

The attending scientists nodded in agreement.

"Well," retorted the police chief, "we cannot let this heinous act go unchallenged. We are holding you for making an obscene clone fall ..."

[race_snooze]

List of possible slogans promoting National Condom Week

1. Cover your stump before you hump

2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3. Don't be silly, protect your willy

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout

5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner

6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong

7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it

8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If you go into heat, package your meat

13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis

14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker

17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18. The right selection will protect your erection

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil

20. A crank with armor will never harm her

21. No glove, no love!

[Sinista32]

A real eye opener

http://tinyurl.com/c2f3b

Soz if you have seen it before, but worth a second look...

[race_snooze]

lol @ sin

[Gus-]

ahh i remember seeing a pic like that and it was on another forum with about 60 pages worth of photoshopping...classic as

[race_snooze]

The American Government funded a study to see why the head

>>of a

>> >>> > > > > man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year

>> >>> > > > > and $180,000,

>> >>>they concluded that the reason that the head was

>> >>> > > > > larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure

>>during

>> >>>sex.

>> >>> > > > >

>> >>> > > > >

>> >>> > > > >

>> >>> > > > > After the US published the study, the French decided to do

>>their

>> >>> > > > > own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they

>> >>>concluded

>> >>> > > > > that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to

>> >>> > > > > give the woman more pleasure during sex.

>> >>> > > > >

>> >>> > > > >

>> >>> > > > >

>> >>> > > > > Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted

>>their

>> >>>own

>> >>> > > > > study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2

>>cases

>> >>> > > > > of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand

>> >>> > > > > from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

[Sinista32]

Thats GOLD but did you have to knock the OZ as the wanker...

[SKYLVIA]

lol, good on snooze, also i like the jamaican one very funny, makes me wanna go out and get a bike ....

[SKYLVIA]

P.S. they took my little stick man away. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

*sits in corner and crys with bottle of vodka...*

[GTR32]

how do we know that beer contains oestrogen? (that's a female hormone by the way). because after 12 beers most blokes can't drive for sh*t.

[race_snooze]

Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to them:

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of Chardonnay."

[Sinista32]

While were telling religious ones

Mother Superior and the new Sister were up in the dark actic of the convent when the new sister yells out "Where's the candle" and Mother Superior shouts back " Yes it does doesnt it"

[SupaFly Skyline]

Heres to the girl with the little red shoes,

she likes to party, she likes to booze,

she lost her cherry, but thats no sin,

she still has the little box it came in.

[Slide]

How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

[race_snooze]

>>A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event

>>hosted

>>by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely

>>young,

>>idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the

>>Sergeant Major

>>for conversation.

>>

>>"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.

>>Is something bothering you?"

>>

>>"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

>>

>>

>>"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It

>>looks

>>like you have seen a lot of action."

>>

>>"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

>>

>>The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,

>>"You

>>know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

>>

>>The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

>>

>>Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this

>>the

>>wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

>>"1955, ma'am."

>>

>>"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking

>>everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his

>>hand

>>and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him

>>several

>>times.

>>

>>Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest

>>and said,

>>"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

>>

>>The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his

>>matter-of-fact

>>voice,

>>"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[race_snooze]

THE GOLFERS

Playing the front nine of a complicated golf course, the man became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew the hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request.

She said "I'm on the 14th hole; you are a hole behind me so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off his stool.

Irritated she said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

[race_snooze]

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through she leans over and says,

" I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[race_snooze]

>>>Apples and Wine

>>

>>Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the

>>tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are

>>afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the

>>apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

>>The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in

>>reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to

>>come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the

>>top

>

>>of the tree.

>>

>>Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's

>>up

>

>>to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something

>>acceptable to have dinner with.

[Terminal]

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face.)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - - - silence - -

HUSBAND: F**k!

[Gus-]

LMAO thats great