Jokes!

[Damo_R34]

hence the irony of the picture Krishy

[Krishy]

has anyone here enrolled for the Beta testing of Windows 7????

[RubyRS4]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[Damo_R34]

SMART ANSWERS 2008

The last one is a worthy winner.

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

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5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the Qantas departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

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4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen the sphincter of the universes at a Woolworth's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these the sphincter of the universes get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

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3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the policeman said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

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2nd Place

A semi-trailer driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car came up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

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SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008

A teacher at a TAFE College reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sAfrican Americaning.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

[Carbon 34]

^^^^^^^^ROFLMAO

[MissR34]

thats gold damo lol

[RubyRS4]

A couple had been married for 10 years. On her husband's birthday she decides to take him to a strip club.

They walk in and the bouncer turns to the husband and says "Hi Steve"

The wife turns to him and asks if he had been there before, the husband denied ever being there.

They sit down and the waitress walk up to them and says "Hey Steve! Do I bring you your usual budweiser?"

The wife turns to her husband and asks again if he had ever been to the club. Again he denies it.

Then a stripper walks up and says "Hey Steve to you want your table dance today?"

The wife now furious storms out and gets into a cab, before closing to door

her husband gets in. The wife starts screaming and swearing at him.

The cab driver looks at him and says " Hey Steve you got yourself a real bitch

tonight"

Edited March 19, 2009 by RubyRS4

[bezender]

[bezender]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

[RubyRS4]

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

Wish my mortgages were only worth $280K That'd be easy.

[Carbon 34]

warning , not politically correct, don't flame me for it

Hillbilly Divorce A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'

The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'

The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'

The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere'.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'

The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'

The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question.

The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'

The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants one of them dayvorces.'

Edited April 4, 2009 by sapphiregraphics

[Carbon 34]

OZ-word

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

Billabonk: To make passionate love beside a waterhole.

Bludgie: A partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet.

Dodgeridoo: A fake Indigenous artifact.

Fair drinkum: Good-quality Aussie wine.

Flatypus: A cat that has been run over by a vehicle.

Mateshit: All your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor.

Shagman: An unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity.

Yabble: The unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans

Bushwanker: A pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.

Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

Ulupu: A big crap in the middle of nowhere!

And for the Kiwis amongst us:

Shorn bag: A particularly attractive naked sheep!

______________________________________________________________________

An Aussie in New York

An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’

‘No,’ he replies, ‘I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.’

Intrigued woman says, ‘A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?’

The Aussie explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.’

The lady says, ‘What's it telling you now?’

‘Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’

The woman giggles and replies, ‘Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!’

The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, ‘Bloody thing’s running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?’

[Damo_R34]

rofl #2 = gold

[Normsta]

rofl #2 = gold

+1

[Krishy]

+1 agreed its good....note to self....must use that next time lol

[Normsta]

[RubyRS4]

British Humour:

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[Aberax]

British Humour:

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

:laughing-smiley-014:

Thanks for that

[Carbon 34]

Kiwi

is swine flu sexually transmitted?

Doc

Ha Ha no, why?

Kiwi

Thank god, the sheep called me a cheater from sweating like a pig during sex

[nugzy31]

bit gross...but meh..

how do you stop a chiuahua from rooting your leg???

pick it up and suck it off