Jokes!

[astrotristan]

what did one New Zealand statue say to the other New Zealand statue??

"statue bro?"

(say it out loud for best effect )

[2FST4U.R33]

old but still good, this is what started the drop bears thing

These were posted on an Australian tourism forum and the answers are the actual responses from the Aussie forum users...

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross... come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.... come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, friendly and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. Human urine should be used as a repellent before going out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Damo_R34]

Too soon?

They once said that a black man would be President when cops flew.

His first 100 days and - wham , Pig's flu !!!

[Benzino33]

Ok ok i got one,, "its a ur so broke joke"

here goes..

hey,"You're so broke, the mat at the front of your door says "Welfare".

[Benzino33]

Too soon?

They once said that a black man would be President when cops flew.

His first 100 days and - wham , Pig's flu !!!

lol

[Damo_R34]

apologies if this offends, but its funny none-the-less

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........

'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia'

The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Yugoslavian!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Italy , I am not from Australia!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'

She says , 'No, I am from Africa!'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ....'Probably at work'

[RubyRS4]

I'm not offended by that

[phoenix17]

Here's a good one, IMO

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[RubyRS4]

^^^ Original

[jugz]

http://www.cardomain.com/ride/608617

Click on the link and u'll essentially ROFL on the ground ahhhh americans FAIL again

[Guest CleanAndSimple]

ohh bringing up fails on car domain,

thought I'd add this mega FAIL!!!

http://www.cardomain.com/ride/2138995

[Damo_R34]

ohh bringing up fails on car domain,

thought I'd add this mega FAIL!!!

http://www.cardomain.com/ride/2138995

bro, if u didn't say the "r33 conversion" i wouldn't notice it as prelude... skyline on the out,prelude inside... nice job!!!

check out mine...

LOL.

[Guest CleanAndSimple]

yeah i didn't stop laughing for like 30 minutes when i saw that comment!!!

how dumb can you get

Edited May 11, 2009 by CleanAndSimple

[Inline 6]

Im assuming it was done a fair while ago. otherwise the cost of the kit would be more than the diff between the R33 and the honda.

gangsta rated #3 on webpage

http://www.cardomain.com/ride/3297153

Edited May 11, 2009 by Inline 6

[Carbon 34]

http://www.cardomain.com/ride/608617

Click on the link and u'll essentially ROFL on the ground ahhhh americans FAIL again

OMG LOL small world ,,, I saw that RAV4 last time I was in USA,,, yes Im from Colorado

good find jugz

[Carbon 34]

Im assuming it was done a fair while ago. otherwise the cost of the kit would be more than the diff between the R33 and the honda.

gangsta rated #3 on webpage

http://www.cardomain.com/ride/3297153

that is a old cop car impala , a common and very ugly site to see in USA, Ghetto car about the size of a oil tanker...

god Im glad I dont see cars that bad here..lol Holden at least has some style ???

[bezender]

that is a old cop car impala , a common and very ugly site to see in USA, Ghetto car about the size of a oil tanker...

god Im glad I dont see cars that bad here..lol Holden at least has some style ???

best joke yet♦

[Damo_R34]

♦

racist.

[bezender]

lol... its the risque jokes that get the laughs

[kidafa]

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a c*ck like that."

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"