Jokes!

[RubyRS4]

YOU'RE FROM 'LIDABEFF WHEN...

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your junior prom offered day care.

You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

When you take the dog for a walk at night, you both use the same tree.

Fixed.

[nicr4wks]

Fixed.

hehe, speaking of which.

Elizabeth Uniting Church has cancelled their local 'Nativity Display' due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin.

[Krishy]

SIMPLE ENGLISH

George Bush - Our enemies are innovative and resourceful and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

Arnie - I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.

Rumsfeld - Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns: the ones we don't know we don't know

Murray Walker - The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.

John Motson - For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are playing in yellow

Gordon Brown - Total spending will continue to rise and it will be a zero per cent rise in 2013-14.

Clinton - It depends upon what the meaning of the word 'is' is. If 'is' means 'is and never has been' that's one thing - if it means 'there is none', that was a completely true statement

Cantona - When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea

George Bush - I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right

Boris Johnson - I could not fail to disagree with you less

[Damo_R34]

is it bad that i rofld?

kanye west is gonna interupt Patrick Swayze's funeral...

''Yo, Patrick Swayze, I know you just died and all, and i'm gonna let you finish... But Michael Jackson's Death was the best one this year''.

Patrick Swayze has agreed to star in the upcoming sequel Ghost 2

They start filming today

So Patrick Swayze just passed away...

That's okay though, he's already had the time of his life.

[bezender]

[i hate rav 4's]

*Sense of humour required*

What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb, blind, mute girl? Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

Did you know that statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape?

[Krishy]

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

[i hate rav 4's]

I used to be athiest but i changed 'cause there aren't any holidays.

What does HOLDEN stand for?

Holes

Oil

Leaks

Dents

Engine

Noises.

God how i hate holdens and commodore drivers. Your standard VT with a set of rims looks awesome, as does the single legger you left behind and the hand out the window, 'cause you have an auto. That's "fully sick" and pull up your god damn pants, what's wrong with you kids??

[scandyflick]

So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.

What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.

Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.

Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.

Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.

Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.

Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.

Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.

Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.

Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'

Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.

Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.

Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.

Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.

Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:

a) You are married to each other in the future

b) Her current boyfriend is dead

c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise

d) In the future your relationship is not going well

e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed

f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day

g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future

Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.

Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.

Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.

Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:

1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.

2) Life will carry on as normal.

3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.

Fixed.

lizbeff.

douche bag.

[Krishy]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

[JMW]

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, ‘What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?’ ...

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded,

‘Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[Carbon 34]

dug up an old thread,, we can all use a laugh

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."

[Krishy]

Did you hear Haiti just finished downloading the latest update of SHOCKWAVE....

[Krishy]

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?

A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.Email

-------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?

A: Herpes lasts forever.

-------------------------------

Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?

A: They all get the house.

-------------------------------

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: I don't think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!

-------------------------------

Q: What do you call 32 West Virginian women in one room?

A: A full set of teeth.

-------------------------------

Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married?

A: There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

-------------------------------

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which

conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during

the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct

the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form

what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets

before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of

humor!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as

submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance

engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding

on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[kb-r33]

What do you call a bunch of boongs rolling down a hill? ABOLANCHE

[pyro-ns]

Two turtles decide to go camping out in the woods. So they pack their tent and an esky, with beer and sandwiches. They drive out into the wilderness, pitch their tent, start a fire, then decide to whip out a beer. "Ahh shit," says the first turtle, "We forgot the damn bottle opener." "No problems," says turtle two, "Just go home and grab it. I'll keep an eye on the camp site while you're gone." Turtle one looks at him and says, "No way! As soon as I leave, you're going to eat those f**king sandwiches. I am NOT leaving you alone with those sandwiches." "Nonsense!" says turtle two, "We came here to camp together! As if I'm going to eat the sandwiches while you're gone. Go get the damn bottle opener for christ's sake." So turtle one gets into the car and leaves.

Two hours pass and turtle one hasn't returned yet. Turtle two keeps looking at the esky, reminding himself that he has to wait for his friend, who can't be too far away.

Six hours have passed and turtle one still isn't back. Turtle two is starting to get pretty hungry. Turtle one surely can't be that far away, he must have got a flat or something, which he's taking his time with. So he turns his back to the esky to try and avert his hunger.

A day has passed. "This is ridiculous. I'm going to have to eat the sandwiches so that I have enough energy to walk home. Where the hell is turtle one?" says turtle two. He opens the esky, pulls out the sandwiches, rips the cling wrap off and stares at the sandwich, as he brings it to his mouth, thinking about just how tasty it will be and how his hunger is finally going to go away, when turtle one jumps out from behind the tent and yells at him, "SEE! I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU'D EAT THOSE f**kING SANDWICHES!"

[Krishy]

COPY PASTA

1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken

clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and

remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the

event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take

them with you with our compliments."

3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your

belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among

the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines

is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the

industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly

windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to

fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened

while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate

[Fliggy]

Q: Why do women have such small feet?

A: To stand closer to the sink.

[RubyRS4]

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?

A: Who cares ... what the f**k was she doing out of the kitchen???

[Madaz]

The Story of the squirrels!!

Now I don't care who you are, what religion you are, where you live, or how old you are.........this is funny!

There were five houses of religion in a small Florida town:

The Presbyterian Church,

The Baptist Church,

The Methodist Church,

The Catholic Church and

The Jewish Synagogue...

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were pre-destined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it.

The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution.

They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas Day, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue,

They took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

*************************************

Life is too short for drama and petty things,

Laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.