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Bitch, you are the boss of where you work. Let them go home early.

Well I would, but then I would have to do the work and that isn't going to happen.

It is better for all involved this way :D

DEAR SANTA: I'M FEELING LAZY

Dear Santa:

It's been many years since I wrote to you, not because I

stopped believing in you but because I needed to recover

from the disappointment of 1982. That was the year I asked

you for a set of dumbbells and you brought me a poster of

The Jackson Five.

But all is forgiven, Santa. I realize now that there was

some logic behind your gift, that you weren't just acting

like other grown-ups, opposed to all forms of heavy metal. I

should have known it was just a misunderstanding, that you'd

be thrilled to bring me exercise equipment, being the model

of fitness yourself.

That leads me to my first request, Santa. I'd like an

Abtronic electronic muscle stimulator, a marvelous device

that will allow me to tone my stomach muscles while taking a

nap. I love what the manufacturer says: "Your muscles are

moving but you are not!" That reminds me of something my

high school teacher once told me: "Your brain is thinking

but you are not!" Anyway, Santa, the older I get, the more I

like the idea of exercising without moving.

That may explain why I also want the Roomba Robotic Vacuum

Cleaner, a sleek, compact machine that uses sensors to clean

a carpet. I don't like upright cleaners, Santa, because they

usually require me to be upright. I'd rather be flat on my

back, reading a book. I love what the manufacturer says:

"You won't believe how fun this robotic vacuum cleaner is to

watch!" I believe it, Santa! I have only one question: Will

I have to change the filter or will it do that itself?

My third request, Santa, is a Smarthome Around the House RF

Remote, which sends out both infrared and radio frequency

commands to appliances as far away as 100 feet. It would

allow me to control not just my TV, but also my neighbor's.

I won't have to ask them to turn the volume down anymore.

And I won't have to worry about them watching Fox News. I

love what the manufacturer says: "Control the stereo or TV

from the kitchen, bedroom or even the hot tub." I'd love it

even more if I actually had a hot tub. (Hint, hint.)

Another gift I'd like to receive, Santa, is the Smarthome

Deluxe Lighting Control Starter Kit, which will allow me to

turn off all my lights with a single remote. I've tried

other ways of turning off lights, but my 18-month-old

daughter just won't cooperate. (She has trouble carrying the

ladder around.) Besides, I'm really skillful with remotes.

As my wife said to me the other day, "You know exactly which

buttons to push, don't you?"

Finally, Santa, I'd like a year's supply of Slim-Fast

Shakes. For some reason, I think I might need them.

In closing, Santa, I just want to explain why I won't be

leaving any cookies for you. My wife is concerned about your

weight, afraid you might get hypertension, suffer a heart

attack, or even worse, damage our chimney. I've tried to

tell her that you're very active for your age, that other

men so old couldn't do half what you do. In just five

minutes, they'd be tired, and in another five, they'd be

retired.

Anyway, please don't hold it against me, Santa. Remember:

Carrot sticks are good for you!

If Santa answered mail honestly

Dear Santa

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,

BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a freakin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

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