Jump to content
SAU Community

A joke for the day


Tosh
 Share

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 1.7k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital as their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

"Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a female brain, and $200 for a

male brain."

The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked.

A woman, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and xplained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

-Jack Handy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Colin and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Colin leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Self-raising, isn't it?"

Colin is due to be released from hospital in a few weeks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

this one Courtesy of Chris (RedX)

"I bought my mum pink fluffy slippers and a dildo for her last birthday.

As I gave her the gifts I said to her, If you don't like the slippers you can go f**k yourself"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Here's a good one:

A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:-

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky.

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he has collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:-

Dear Becky,

I'm sorry, but I can't remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile enclosed, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky.

:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't believe I just took a shit in my bathing suit at the beach. What the ****? I cant stand up and take it to the ocean, because I am wading in a puddle of feces at this very moment. Any change in my seating position will send my poo spilling down my legs and into view of every sunbather within 30 feet of me. There is no way I can play this off as a fart.

It doesn't help at all that I've been spun out for 3 days. I can hardly see straight! How am I possibly going to explain this to my wife when she comes back from getting chili dogs to ask me what the **** I just did in the presence of my children? She'll make me drop trau in front of everyone again. There it is. The family on the blanket to the right of me just asked if I could smell "that". I gotta go.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't believe I just took a shit in my bathing suit at the beach. What the ****? I cant stand up and take it to the ocean, because I am wading in a puddle of feces at this very moment. Any change in my seating position will send my poo spilling down my legs and into view of every sunbather within 30 feet of me. There is no way I can play this off as a fart.

It doesn't help at all that I've been spun out for 3 days. I can hardly see straight! How am I possibly going to explain this to my wife when she comes back from getting chili dogs to ask me what the **** I just did in the presence of my children? She'll make me drop trau in front of everyone again. There it is. The family on the blanket to the right of me just asked if I could smell "that". I gotta go.

ummmm.... okaaaay... :Oops:

Richard

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This was is really bad, it was told to me over the weekend.

---------------

Q: What do you do after you've just raped a deaf woman

A: Break her fingers so she cant tell her mum.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class

section of a plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped

her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently

wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was

becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she

took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man

couldn't restrain his curiosity.

He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your

nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare

condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've

never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share




  • Similar Content

  • Latest Posts

    • Go to SP mufflers and get the muffler of size you want and make a nice mid muffler. It's about that simple! I have 2x 3.5 Magnaflow straight through Mufflers and while it's pretty loud with the Varex open, it's quiet enough with the Varex closed. You can also buy off the shelf Magnaflow straight through mufflers as well. You also have a turbo to quiet the car down too. Don't overthink it. Buy my extra Magnaflow muffler sitting on a shelf doing nothing (buy it new, ignore this part)
    • Centre-offset muffler under the floor, same as stock. Just....3.5". The change from straight pipe there to centre-offset will mean that you need to remake some of the pipe (add a bend or two).
    • Hey guys. So my R34 GTT has a custom 3.5” exhaust (done by previous owner) with a high flowing cat, and then just a Varex cannon muffler on the back. The car does drone alot and is really loud even on highway driving just cruising, as you can imagine due to the Varex muffler basically being a straight through with the valve open. As much as i love a loud RB, it can be a bit much with no other muffling in line and just driving casually. I wanted to lower the volume output on the exhaust a bit, as well as remove the drone (probably a way to do both at once), and was going to do it all myself as I am a fabricator and have done exhaust work in the past, so the fab work isnt my issue, im just not sure on the right product or type of product to use to get the job done, and i doubt an exhaust shop would be wanting to help me as they wont be making any money from helping me, unless they supplied the product? Anyway any help or guidance in best way to approach this would be awesome   Thanks in advance
    • Meh, whilst the Honda is a "really" good car and has potential if you want to drop coin on, it was uninspiring for me to look at, but, it did serve its purpose and is now in the boys hands, his happy, his girl is happy, as she wasn't to keen on the noisy old Patrol, and most importantly, the Minister for War and Finances is extremely happy that her "little baby boy" (6'2 nugget who is currently training to be a copper, which will make 3 coppers in the immediate "circle of trust") has a well sorted reliable car that doesn't guzzle diesel Me, I'm more than happy with the NC MX5 that I replaced it with, it's a fun little car that I like looking at, like driving, and yes..... I do like the fact that the maintenance and modifications that I have done/will do are plentiful and relatively cheap, well........ while staying naturally aspirated slow that is, and that's all I really need for a fun little daily, I can rev the 5hit out of it rowing through the gears and never really break the speed limit  In saying that wicked word, "modifications", I've already ordered something for some noise and an additional "3 ish" horse powers, or whatever it gives, in the form of a header, and, a new set of "cheapo" BC coilovers that are already sitting in the shed waiting to get put in, I had the same BC's in my old NB and found they were fine for the street, hwy, and the occasional track days I did in it, they have 6kg front and 4kg rear springs which is about 10% stiffer than the stock springs which I found worked well for their price  I've also already been in touch with MX5 Mania in Dural, so once the header is on it will get a ECUTek RaceROM tune there (I cannot rev match for 5hit, and I loved the RaceROM rev match and FFS in my old 86 "RIP") In other, maintenance news, I put some new sparkler plugs in it, and have a new set of DBA Street series pads to put in over the next day or so, I'm running the DBA street series in the SS and Honda and really like them, they work great and are not dusty at all I've also booked in a few days leave over this weekend to give me 4 days weekend do some paint correction and give the leather seats some conditioning and interior some Bissell and steam cleaning OCD lovin', the carpet and interior looks clean, but from my experience with the Bissell IRT carpet, and the steam cleaner IRT trim, looks can be deceiving I've also found that finding a detachable hard top is proving problematic, the main reason why I didn't like the NC initially was the power retractable hard top that I seen them with gave the roof line a weird look, the detachable roof though looks good, and is a same shape as a NA/NB hard top, similar, but unfortunately not the same as it has different fixture point on the front, so fitting a easy to get NA/NB detachable hard top is no bueno New Old cars are fun, cleaning, hunting and playing around brings much joy How are your beasties going? Do you still have the Skyline with the LS???, or Barra??? that you were playing with
×
×
  • Create New...