A joke for the day

[Kero]

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason.

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:

The population of this country is 20 million.

9 million are retired.

That leaves 11 million to do the work.

There are 7 million in school, which leaves 4 million to do the work.

Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government,leaving 2 million to do the work.

0.5 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein.

Which leaves 1.5 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 1 million people who work for state and city governments And that leaves 500,000 people to do the work.

At any given time there are 280,000 people in hospitals, Leaving 220,000 people to do the work. Now, there are 219,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your butt,at your computer, reading jokes.

[GTR R35]

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia:

She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around a fertile delta.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan:

Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade, especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain:

Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina:

She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia & Argintina:

She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada:

Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled, but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia:

A glorious and all conquering past but, alas, no future.

After 70, a woman is like Albania:

Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Iraq:

Ruled by a dick.

[R33vit]

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled

up beside him and its window was wound down. "I'll give you a bag of

lollies if you get in the car," said the driver.

"No way, get stuffed!!" replied the boy.?

"How about a bag of lollies and $10?" the driver asked.

"I said no way!" replied the irritated youngster.?

"What about a bag of juicy lollies and $50, eh?" quizzed the driver,

still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.?

"No! I'm not getting in the frickin' car!" answered the boy.

"Okay, okay. I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies,"the driver offered.

"No!" screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car?" asked the driver

in a long

sigh.

The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the bloody Volvo, you

live with

it!"?

[Majanal]

:bahaha:

That rocks Sam!

[Kero]

The owner of this pharmacy walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the assistant "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The assistant goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist goes "You idiot!" You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The assistant goes "Of course you can! Look at him - - he's too scared to cough!"

[Kero]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH

THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT . THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

*************************

I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.

**************************

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,

the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

**************************

Of loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face.

****************************

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot

This describes everything you are not.

******************************

I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

*******************************

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

************************************

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.

************************************

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

***************************************

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

****************************************

My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "Go To Hell".

*****************************************

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[Kero]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off. Otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would

voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

[Kero]

..

[Moanie]

ewwww!!!!!!! too much muscle for a chick!

[Kero]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go for months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Kero]

->

[Kero]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," the man says, "It's like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" the doctor asks.

"Well." the man replies, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that!"

[Kero]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field in the distance. Amazed, he asks, "What the hell are those?!"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

[Kero]

Would you ring this doorbell?

[Guest outlawskyline]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into small

village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi "Can I

talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the

villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great

food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes

me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the

elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

[Moanie]

rofl: rofl:

[Majanal]

[Kero]

So you like fast cars?

[Moanie]

Shush you!!!!!

[Tosh]