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A joke for the day

Tosh

By Tosh,
in New South Wales

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Kero Mentor

Kero

Posted
Posted

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a Small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, My son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

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Frunknmont Experienced

Frunknmont

Posted
Posted

One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "p***s" in tiny letters.

She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.

The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "p***s" on the blackboard.

Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit,

but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and

proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the

classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, written larger than the previous day.

Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrawled on the blackboard:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Frunknmont Experienced

Frunknmont

Posted
Posted

Explanation of Marketing

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say "i'm fantastic in bed"

That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says "she's fantastic in bed"

That's Advertising

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say "hi, i'm fantastic in bed"

That's Telemarketing

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say "may i" and reach and straighten his tie while brushing your breast lightly against his arm and then say "by the way, i'm fantastic in bed"

That's Public Relations

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says "i hear your fantastic in bed"

That's Brand Recognition

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend

That's a Sale Rep

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you

That's Tech Support

Your on the way to a party when realise that there could be a handsome man in all the houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one house situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs "i'm fantastic in bed"

That's Spam

Beer Baron Grand Master

Beer Baron

Posted
Posted

Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.

James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Chris: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?

Chris: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Chris: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Chris: - Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Chris: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Chris: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !

Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

James: - What's that then?

Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

James: - Nope.

Chris: - Well then, you're a wanker.

Kero Mentor

Kero

Posted
Posted

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

And the winners are...

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9 Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frunknmont Experienced

Frunknmont

Posted
Posted

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while HARD WORK and KNOWLEDGE will get you close and, ATTITUDE will get you there, BULLSH*T and A** KISSING will put you over the top

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