Funnys!

[Guest a31rb25]

There's a Wog, a Chinese man and an Australian man stranded on a desert island.

One day they find a lamp and out pops a Genie, the genie says "You have three wishes" so they each take one...

The Chinese man says first "I wish to be home in my own country with all of my fellow country men where can all live together in peace" WOOSH - He dissapears!

Then the Wog says "that sounds good, I wish for all of me fellow country men and me to be together in our home country and live forever in peace" WOOSH - He dissapears!

The Genie then looks at the white Australian man and says "I suppose you want the same thing too?"

The man says "Well... You mean to tell me that all of the Chinese and all of the Wogs are out of Australia?"

The Genie replies "Yes"

The Aussie thinks for moment and then says.... "Ill just have a coke then".

My apologies to any ethnic people out there, Im not racist, it just a joke!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Nice aussie twist to a joke from Boondock Saints, here's my one my fav jokes from a movie

Jesus Christ walks into a bar, hands the inn-keep 3 nails and says "can you put me up for the night"

[leech_]

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

bahaha gold

[Guest a31rb25]

a penguin takes his car into the shop and the mechanic says he needs some time to check it out, so the penguin heads over to the local shops. while he's there he buys an ice cream, penguins love ice cream. becuase he doesn't have any hands the poor little bloke gets ice cream all over his face. he heads back to the mechanic, who says to him "it looks like you blew a seal" the penguin replies " no, it's just ice cream"

[race_snooze]

A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her

life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge. She went down to the

bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young

sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying. He took pity on

her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the

morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good

care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep

you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what

did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life

new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a

lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a

piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later,

during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with

one of the sailors, who's stowed me away"she explained "I get food and free

passage to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain

said, "this is the Manly Ferry ."

[Gus-]

BWAAHAHAHAHA thats gold!

[PhantomS14]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

That was hilarious, GOLD Jerry GOLD!!!

[leech_]

haha snooze very nice

[LTSJayce]

The theatrical agent, trying to sell a new strip act to a night-club manager, was raving about the girl's unbelievable 72-26-40 figure.

"What kind of a dance does she do?" the manager asked, duly impressed by the description of the girl's dimensions.

"Well, she doesn't actually dance at all," the agent replied. "She just crawls out onto the stage and tries to stand up!"

[GM_GTR]

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little f**ker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"

[Trooper]

Nice aussie twist to a joke from Boondock Saints, here's my one my fav jokes from a movie

Boondock Saints...SHIT HOT movie if you havent seen it watch it TONIGHT!!!

[SKYLVIA]

GM_GTR- funny shit!!!!

(following joke is a tad offensive...)

A Guy walks into a porn store and asks the lady at the counter for a blow up doll.

the lady says "ok would you like one with big tits or small tits?" and the guy says "oh definetly big tits!" and she says ok,

she then asks "would you like one with an open mouth or a closed mouth?" and the guy says "definetly open mouth"

then the lady asks "would you like a christian or muslim blow up doll?" and the guy says "christian or muslim? what the f**k's the difference?" and the lady says "the muslim dolls blow them selves up"

[race_snooze]

no raceist jokes thanks Beau, or the will come bomb you. lol

[tridentt150v]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent

on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just

pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

[LTSJayce]

Aviation Truisms

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."

- General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."

- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."

- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."

From an old carrier sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, . the pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:

"Why is it doing that?"

"Where are we?"

and "OH SHIT!"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."

- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) "A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."

- Jon McBride, astronaut

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."

- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot) "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."

- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970 "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

[LTSJayce]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They

bagged six, but as they started loading the plane for the return trip,

the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot

let us put them all on board the same sort of plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded.

With full power the little plane struggled down the runway and finally

lifted off, but the engine soon gave out and the plane crashed.

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Seamus, "Any idea where we

are?"

Seamus looked around and replied "Bejasus Paddy, I tink we're pretty

close to where we crashed last year!"

[LTSJayce]

> > >> A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a

> > >> party

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited

>Jimmy,

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party

> > >> around

>the

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good

> > >> time

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.

> > >> At

>the

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone

> > >> who

>has

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> the balls to jump in.

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> "The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud

> > >> splash

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was

> > >> jabbing

>the

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all

> > >> kinds

>of

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> sh!t, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the

> > >> tail

>and

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and

> > >> the

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy strangled

> > >> the

>croc

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then

>slowly

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> disbelief.

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a

> > >> million dollars."

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won

> > >> the

> >bet."

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> "How about half a million bucks then?"

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That

> > >> was

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> options?"Again Jimmy said no.

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"

> > >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*#t who pushed me in the

> > >> Pool

[LTSJayce]

usband Tries Hard

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, " I'm sorry , honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Rejected , the husband turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, " Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too ?"

[LTSJayce]

Diary of a Brisbane Summer (by a Pommie)

Some people may find this funny.....some may not

To my English friends .... no offence intended!!!!

> August 31st

> Just got transferred with work into our new home in Brisbane!! Now

> this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm

> balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair

> on the verandah. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

>

> September 13th:

> Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an

> air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to

> see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

>

> September 30th:

> Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms

> and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.

> Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

>

> October 10th

> The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used

> to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But

> getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

>

> October 15th:

> Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.

> Missed 3days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson

> though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

>

> October 20th:

> I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.

> By

> the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up

> to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather

> upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like

> Wiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

>

> October 25th:

> The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's hot

> as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman

> charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

>

> October 30th:

> Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000

> house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

>

> November 4th:

> It's 35 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It

> cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody

> humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I

> hate this stupid place.

>

> November 8th:

> If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to

> strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car's

> radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell

> like baked cat!!

>

> November 9th:

> Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the

> black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my arse was on fire. I

> lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my

> arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

>

> November 10th:

> The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny.

> Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2

> damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

> Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next,

> so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody

> pool. Even the palms can't live in this heat.

>

> November 14th:

> Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the

> air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and

> said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500

> house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assulting the repairman.

> Bloody Brisbane. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

>

> December 1st:

> WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f__ing kidding

>

[LTSJayce]

NEWS RELEASE

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented

a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the

nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At

a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

[LTSJayce]

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?"

They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought.

They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning.

Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."