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It's A Wednesday Night

Mr Eps

By Mr Eps,
in WA Wasteland

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Mr Eps Grand Master

Mr Eps

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It’s a Wednesday afternoon, there’s a certain buzz around the office, Dom, the bloke next to you has left early for the day and you don't know why but you're just happy!!

That cute little greek girl you met last week in the line at woollies just messaged you and asked you to catch up for gelare.. and you’re really looking forward to it.. it's 4:40pm – nobody's watching, you're contemplating leaving work a bit early and going to myer to get a new tshirt to impress your potential date with that gorgeous girl from last week.. and hey.. it's pay week.. you may as well splurge and get that new DKNY perfume – girls love that!

Next thing you know - your hands have just "done their thing" and shut down your computer, you put your phone in your pocket and just …get out of the office.. you smile to yourself as you leave.. because nobody’s said ANYTHING to you…

You get to the lift.. waiting to go down.. hoping that your boss isn’t in the next lift and sees you bonking off early.. the lift doors throw themselves open – the lift is empty… the joys of getting out a bit early..

Fast forward a few minutes, you’re at myer.. you pay for your spearmint coloured tshirt that has a picture of a pink old muscle car drawn on the front of it.. your purchases come to less than expected – turns out that when myer cross the price out with a red marker – IT’S 15% OFF!!!!

You hurry home… as you’re driving, you feel your pocket vibrate.. maybe it’s that girl organising a time for you… but you are too happy you don’t answer it – you figure you’ll leave it for a treat for when you get home.. something about this girl gets you excited.. she’s so full of life..

You get home… “message received” …it’s not the girl.. it’s your mate… your mate tells you he wants you to come over, cos he’s just got a new flatscreen TV he wants to show you – you have some time to kill… so you just throw on your tshirt, change into jeans and fly out the door..

You get to your mate’s house… you knock on the door – no answer… you can hear music coming from inside.. it’s some weird genre of electronic music that you have never heard before… like 2step fused dubstep fidget house. You smile at how disgusting this music is and wonder how anybody could like it..

You push the door open.. the music is LOUD… like VERY LOUD… your mate is sitting there in cargo shorts and socks.. nothing else. Your mate’s drinking a corona that’s warm. No lemon in it.

Your mate hands you a warm corona.. opens it using the back of his belt (you often wonder where your mate gets all these “things” that “come with bottle openers”)

You and your mate start discussing your week..then your mate tells you that they’re all “goin to the leeeeedy!”

You figure – you’re dressed for it – you have your brand new tshirt, jeans and your leather shoes that you wore to work… sure.. your FEET are KILLING you.. but you are up for it!

Fast forward a few hours, your mate’s mum drops you and two guys you never met before outside the subway. You’re half cut on warm corona at this stage.. you’re there EARLY though.. your mates mum had to go home and do your mate’s washing – so she wanted to drop you off asap.

You get inside.. there are three guys on the dancefloor doing awesome shuffle dances – your mate says he’s going to the toilet, leaving you with the two guys you don’t know… the moment is awkward.. so you just say you’re going to get a drink… you approach the bar and get a slate can… you go back to the guys but they’ve disappeared.. you look around – it’s getting a lot more crowded now and you can’t see them… they’ve ditched you!

You think “fk it” I’ll just catch up with my mate.. you text him “wr r u” and wait for a reply… in the meantime you just drink your slate.. but nobody’s there to talk to – so you drink it a bit faster than normal… next thing you know – you’re fresh out…

You drink slate after slate after slate waiting for a text back… by now you’ve had 5 slates.. and four warm coronas.. waiting for a text back.. you think back to the warm coronas and think you could probably do with a beer anyway – the slate’s getting a bit sweet..

So you go get a corona… THIS TIME You get a lemon.. the haggard lemon looks like it’s been chewed on by a dog. It sits in your bottle neck restricting the flow.. you’re sweaty. It’s hot. You take a swig of beer and you feel a lemon seed roll down your throat – but there’s a girl watching you for some reason – you pretend the lemon seed never happened… keep it together.. play it cool…

You as her if she wants to kiss you… she interrupts “get lost. My boyfriend’s over there, idiot..” she points to her boyfriend.. her boyfriend is this short guy with a greasy mullet ratstail.. he’s buff. And tanned. Wearing a skintight black tshirt that says “manilla fighters” on the chest

You look at her with your eyebrows raiased and think forget it.. and head outside to look for your mate

You get outside – you’re getting pretty tanked… this beer isn’t sitting well with the slate at all.. you see the a guy that you used to work with.. you cant remember him.. in fact you don’t even know why you’re outside.. oh yeah – it’s hot and you wanted fresh air.. but the air is so thick with cigarette smoke it’s barely breathable.. speaking of which – the guy you used to work with has been talking to you for three minutes – you just haven’t been listening to a word of it.

The only reason you came back into the conversation is because the guy is offering you a cigarette from his Winfield Gold 25’s…

You happily oblige.. you don’t smoke… but.. you are drunk. And only live once… right??? You inhale the smoke and pretend not to cough… immediately you feel funny with headspins.. so you drink your beer.. ALL OF IT…

You drop your corona bottle on the floor and it smashes loudly put your empty corona bottle neatly on the table next to you.. headspins are getting worse

You see a coates hire orange road barrier – you grab hold of it with both hands – for stability.. you feel two texts come through at once as your phone vibrates on your leg.. one text received – it’s your mate… “MAN WERR R U!!! CM 2 HIP-E!!!”

You text back: “IM AU THW LERFY. U CM HERT”

*send*

You look at second msg.. “Andrea” says “Where are you? You said you’d take me for ice cream ”

You text back “SDNREA AM DRNK. CM LEEDY I WNA LiK UR PSDY :bunny::)!!!” *sennnnd*

Then it happens. Within a split second. Spew flies out of your mouth. It’s EVERYWHERE. There’s spaghetti and all sorts. It’s BLACK. BLACK SPEW is all over your phone.. and your hands…

You yell out RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HELLLLLOPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEE!!!!

Laughing to yourself between HEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAVESSSSSS suddenly the vomit is orange… but before you know it - it’s over.. luckily you got it all over your shoes and jeans on the sand .. EVERYONE dissipates around you in disgust as you stand back up and inhale your lit cigarette feeling suave as you wipe puke from your chin and flick it on the coats hire barrier.

You feel you have outstayed your welcome and move back inside… you head to the bar for another beer but suddenly you hit something solid… this guy is solid.. like a wall… you look up and yell “FWARK OFF” to a part asian guy.. this guy is THICK. Chest bigger than your waist… his NECK has muscles.. the muscles on this part asian blokes SHOULDERS have muscles on them..

You look him in the eyes n go “WATCH IT MATE… AAAHHHHHH!!!!!” and shove this guy (because you’re drunk and think that’s funny) then you realise that white collared shirt + earpiece means he’s security.. you see him hand signalling to someone over your shoulder… you shove the guy again because you know he thinks he’s better than you.. your phone starts vibrating.. it’s a call - you pull your phone out mid confrontation as the security guard tells you it’s time to go..

But you’re not listening – it’s 11:28pm and Andrea’s calling you.. you answer the phone.. “HELLO?? H- HELOO?” the SECOND you hear word back down the line “what the hell has gotten into y - - “

…Suddenly you feel a thump in the back of your head, your phone drops to the floor, the screen cracks on impact, you see shards of glass on the floor as your head is forced downward and a thick meaty arm wraps around your neck from behind.. you see the forearm of a thick muscly arm with tattoos all over it wrap around your throat as you are placed in an embarrassing martial arts head lock from security.. your face goes red immediately and drool falls out of your mouth as you reach to the floor for your phone.. but suddenly black boots step on your fingers. You try to yell “GET OFF MY HAND” but your jaw is locked and all that comes out is “grr urr murr hurr” you feel the top of your head get punched sneakily as you’re carried off the premises by your head… but the punch doesn’t hurt.. you’re too drunk.

You feel the cold pavement slap your body as you’re thrown face first onto it.. fighting back tears of embarrassment you pick yourself up as if nothing happened.. you walk down the alley on your Wednesday night.. your new tshirt collar is badly stretched out of shape.. it’s now 11:36 as you look at your watch (ignoring that in the kick out, security scratched your watchface BADLY) you look up smiling at some freshly 18 year old girls – trying to act like you havent got a huge graze on your chin... hoping that the girls ignore the fact blood is coming from your face and ¾ of your gleaming white torso is exposed from your stretched tshirt. The girls laugh at you and keep walking. Not even acknowledging you.

You get out onto oxford street and reach for your phone. But your pockets are empty.. at which point you remember... you’ve lost your phone.

…it’s a Wednesday night. That cute little greek girl you met last week in the line at woollies just messaged you and asked you to catch up for gelare..

Rowan McMahon

Edited by Mr Eps
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Mr Eps Grand Master

Mr Eps

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lol - andrea is the woolies girl - that's all purely fiction though man! although loosely based on past experiences...

and no i don't work in east perth anymore... work in balcatta now... payrise + free parking = awesome.

ps. yes i was at work while i wrote that.

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HEKT1K Grand Master

HEKT1K

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I think what he means is.. there is a reason he did not go to uni. That is to say, he did not go to uni. I am able to deduce this because I do go to uni.

Rowan - lolwut? Needs moar banging greek girls :rofl2:

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