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Tosh

By Tosh,
in New South Wales

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Kero Mentor

Kero

Posted
Posted

CITY OF PARRAMATTA

MATHEMATICS EXAM

NAME ............................

GANG ............................

Time allowed 1 hour

1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch Auscar slotted wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension?

2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?

3. If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Lidcombe to Auburn then steals a car and drives another 5 km to , how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in Chullora Shopping Centre?

4. Phan has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Dak Hoang for $85.00 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

5. If Darren receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink and works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the Blacktown Wreckers?

6. If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47?

7. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

8. If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop in Wentworthville Plaza and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?

9. If Parramatta's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at what rate are the Aussies leaving?

10. Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for the trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can pay for his $200 per day crack habit?

11. If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from Parramatta to Granville, how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives need a lift and he can put 12 people in his Valiant at any one given time?

12. If Mario's dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 x golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average length of 2 cm, what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from:

a) 2 feet away .....%

B) 5 feet away .....%

c) 100 feet away .....%

END OF EXAM

Kero Mentor

Kero

Posted
Posted

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads: "The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now--Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tyres and a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say "Bridge Out?"

Kero Mentor

Kero

Posted
Posted

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. . . . . . . . . . . . .

" Rack off !! " she said, "they're for the funeral !!"

Kero Mentor

Kero

Posted
Posted

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Got to love them Australian girls!

Kero Mentor

Kero

Posted
Posted

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with ..... Misdewiener.

Kero Mentor

Kero

Posted
Posted

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster".

Gently he takes her hand and says, "Second, I'd advise you to relax.

Let's have a cup of coffee , then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

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