Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it.
It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.
The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas."
He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino.
The voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must.
He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card."
What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!"
He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.
"Saul, take another card."
"What?"
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"
He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty.
"Saul, take another card," the voice commands.
"I have twenty!" Saul shouts.
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.
Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.
The booming voice goes: "Un-f**king-believable!"
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Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him his only bill.
"Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
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A guy meets a hooker in a bar.
She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
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A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident.
"Douchebag!" the father yells.
A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son.
"Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?"
His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."
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An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back ‘"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"