Patto-

An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in an small Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious building after an all night drinking binge. The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to the back. But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each - but they were not allowed to change the number of lashes or the type of punishment. The Italian says " Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure a beer and a pillow.". The Sultan grants his wishes. With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back. The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling. "I would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back. The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his breath about a bullshit penalty. "Ok my first wish is to double the number of lashes to 40." There is stunned silence in the hall. The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany 2006. The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration - obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is. The Sultan ask the Aussie for his second wish. "Tie the Italian to my back" he replies.

What the other guy said............just get a socket about the right size and smash it over the locknut with a hammer so that it fits tight, then undo it. Its not that hard. A mate of mine went to beaurepaires and they charged him $50 to get them off. Would've been a lot cheaper to do it the other way.

The previous owner of my mates house commited suicide in his kitchen. Some strange things have happened like stuff falling off the table when it was no where near the edge, and other little strange things. I also tend to have nightmares when I stay overnight which kinda creeps me out. Although I usually am drunk when I stay there. But he's had nothing anywhere near as bad as this happen. Probably wouldn't stay there if he did.

is it illegal to be middle eastern now?

I'm not convinced its a cop either. Security guards always tell people to move on, and they often have different radios and such. Not uncommon to see them in their own cars either. Only strange thing is that he had a siren. But its no real trouble to get that.

Apparently they looked into using the same AWD system as in the Mazda6 but decided it would've cost too much. It's already about the same price as a WRX and just a bit more expensive than other rivals such as XR5.

A Man Walked Into A Bar. A man walked into a roadside tavern and as he looked over the crowded tavern, he saw an empty bar stool next to a good looking, smartly dressed woman with beautiful red hair. "Hi there good looking. How's it going?" he asked. The woman turned, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "Listen fellow, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere; your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college, and I just love it!" "No kidding?" said the man, "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

Nigeria - Pitbulls are for pussies

Deep Thoughts for Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like....night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 5. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my hand. 10. OK...so what's the speed of dark? 11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates....it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Breaking News - Wallabies captain George Gregan arrested

and a few more

some more

What happened to the sticky? Anyway, These chalk drawings are by Julian Beever - an English artist who's famous for his art on the pavement of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium.

Bill Clinton, Al Gore & George Bush were all captured by terrorists who decided to execute them. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him was given, he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion. Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what his old boss had done. Before the order to shoot was given, Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall. The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall." As the firing squad was reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, he grinned at his own cleverness and yelled, "Fire!"

I got pulled over a couple of weeks ago for doing 66 in a 50 zone was lucky enough to get a freindly cop who let me off with a warning. After telling me to slow down as it was a 50 zone, he then got in his xr8 and absolutely floored it away from me which seemed somewhat hypocritical.

Is it so boring in Melbourne now that people get excited about the opening of a donut shop?

A replay of the final seconds of Australia vs Italy

Winner!!!

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg... Personally, I think it's prosthetic! News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills- McCartney. Mrs Mills- McCartney is said to be distraught over the split, "he has been my crutch for so long!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped?" "She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get, its not easy to walk out on a relationship like this." It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement has been signed it is believed that Mills-McCartney wont have a leg to stand on. Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over". Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was to blame. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless?" Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new Prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift was a plane but then he gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg. Apparently she wants to keep the plane he bought her for Christmas, she says she'll buy her own Immac for the other leg! ------------------------------------------------------ A poem by Sir Paul McCartney- I lay upon a grassy bank My hands were all a quiver I slowly removed her suspender belt And her leg fell in the river ------------------------------------------------------ A Miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate I'm f***ed, who will want a one legged gold digger? His mate says try Paul McCartney ------------------------------------------------------ Q What had 3 legs and lived on a farm? A The McCartneys These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another lady that can fill her shoe.

I'm talking about day-to-day life, like work etc. Many of my Melbourne friends were big AFL fans as I found most Melbournians are. When conversing about AFL I never knew what the hell they were going on about. I had never known the rules and never heard of the players they often talked about. To me the game was full of forward passes, knock-ons, and almost everyone is off-side.

True, you will be left out of many conversations if you don't follow AFL. I know from experience. Seeing as you're from Sydney, and probably moving to South Melbourne, I think the the Swans are definately your team. They used to be based in South Melbourne.

Super 14 Quotes of the year "Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Scott Hamilton "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." - Andy Ellis on University "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Robbie deans Chris Jack on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." - Robbie Deans on Rueben Thorne Kevin Senio, on Night Rugby vs Day Games "It's basically the same, just darker." Robby Deans talking about Caleb Ralph "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Robbie, I don't know and I don't care.' Dan Carter when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first." "Andy Ellis - the 21 year old , who turned 22 a few weeks ago" (Murray Mexted) "Robbie has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Dan Carter) "He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play." (Murray Mexted) "We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then they scored." (Phil Waugh) "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Andy Ellis) "That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical." (Dan Carter) "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Dan Carter) "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of them serious." (Doc Mayhew) "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Robby Deans) "I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but there are none better." (Murray Mexted) "I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Ewan McKenzie) Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" Chris Jack: "On what ?" “Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Murray Mexted) "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (Murray Mexted)

Usually keep them for 3 months in NSW. You have to pay the impound fees for the whole term. I guy I know got caught doing a burnout. Had to pay the fine for dangerous driving or something, also had to pay the towing fee from the Central Coast to the impound lot in Sydney, and then the 3 months worth of impound fees. He was a wanker who throughly deserved it though. Yeah, I know. But they are usually tarred with the same brush. And it definately isn't a Commodore, which was my main point.