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A joke for the day

Tosh

By Tosh,
in New South Wales

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mike1987 Mentor

mike1987

Posted
Posted
:mellow:

LOL HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that is FUNNY

Got one for you lot

What is the difference between a red head and a brick ?????

:O a brick will get laid :):no: Sorry to the red heads out there

(((ANDREW)))

aww poor lizbert lol

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Patto- Mentor

Patto-

Posted
Posted

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip, I want to let you

know about a little accident I had with your pick up truck.

Fortunately, it was not too bad and I didn't get hurt, so

please don't worry too much about me. In fact, about 5

seconds after it was over, I felt much better and was back to

my happy, smiling self! I didn't see any reason to notify

the police or our insurance agency.

I was coming home from K-Mart, and when I turned into the

driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator

instead of the brake! The garage door is slightly bent but your pick

up, fortunately, came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

Lucky for you, your motorcycle was spared.

I am really sorry, darling. But with your kind-hearted,

giving, loving personality I'm positive you will forgive me.

Remember how much I love you and care for you, my

sweetheart.

Enclosed is a picture of my little "accident." Have a safe

trip home. Oh yes, before I forget...

Your girlfriend called.

Your loving wife.

XoXoX

post-19138-1172122473.jpg

  • 2 weeks later...
mr moo Veteran

mr moo

Posted
Posted

Sometimes You've Gotta Love Drunk People......

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud

pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,

standing

in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He

slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out

there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember

about

three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the

pounding

rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

Marsss Grand Master

Marsss

Posted
Posted

An elderly couple were attending a church service.

About halfway through she leans over and says, "I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Kinks Grand Master

Kinks

Posted
Posted

not sure if this has been posted yet, but...

The other night I was invited out for a night with the lads. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "Promise!"

Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy.

At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly,I realised she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I

thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh ****,' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."

DJ Brave Experienced

DJ Brave

Posted
Posted

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he

has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and

have some fun at the deputies expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign"

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop.

License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a

complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow

down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me

the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating

the living crap out of the Lawyer and says...

"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

DJ Brave Experienced

DJ Brave

Posted
Posted
Why do single women weigh less than married women???

Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed..... married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.....

:happy:

Thanks darlin!

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