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A joke for the day

Tosh

By Tosh,
in New South Wales

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D_I_F Grand Master

D_I_F

Posted
Posted

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to

my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of

characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically

comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then

every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a

few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet

paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my

breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

"Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?

"He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man.

Patto- Mentor

Patto-

Posted
Posted

Deep Thoughts for Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like....night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people

have.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my

hand.

10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?

11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the

wrong lane.

12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't

have film.

13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn

louder.

16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

17. Inside every older person is a younger person

wondering what happened.

18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all

fall off.

19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some

people appear bright until you hear them speak.

20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates....it's more like

a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your ass

tomorrow.

wilch Grand Master

wilch

Posted
Posted

Funny thing,

Was walking out of the bathroom in the office today and saw a sign that said to, "Please wash before leaving". So I washed the sign. Not sure why they want us to wash it, but who am I to cause I stir.

post-10239-1154558405.jpg

madmurf Community Regular

madmurf

Posted
Posted

Four Letter Words~~~~

Please excuse the rough language in the following story...

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

madmurf Community Regular

madmurf

Posted
Posted

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a

small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi "G'day,

mind if I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the

villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and

takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes

me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

madmurf Community Regular

madmurf

Posted
Posted

Incredible story about an elephant's memory......

UPI July 3, 2006

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull

elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a

large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his

hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The

elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its

face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen --

thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant

trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged

son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures

turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The

large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the

ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man.

The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his

way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared

back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of

the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing,

killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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